The journey

Today has been a roller coaster of a day. I got to talk to one of my best friends, who despite the fact that it had been approximately a year and a half since the last time we'd spoken, she still falls in the category. Call me loyal, call me sappy, call me completely over attached to people...whatever. It's a title that takes an enormous amount of insanity, hilarious moments, worrying about my out of control decisions (like disappearing from college for over a week.... true story! Another day another dollar...), but once it's earned it probably takes just as long to lose. Things are different now. I'm so different. So is she. It's amazing to hear her little chicken nugget making noises in the background. She probably has no idea how that warms my heart. How much that little boy brightens up my face because I imagine what he does to hers. I imagine her face as he's laughing hysterically and it just brings me to a completely difference place mentally. It makes my spirit smile.

On the flip side of that, I've been diving into the ridiculous emotional game of what if. What if is a dirty word to a spouse with a deployed husband. It brings hope, devastation, worry, anxiety, excitement, and defeat all in one complete present. It's a crazy ride this lifestyle. Here I am at the beginning of a new day with fear settling into my heart and I just want to be near him. I just want to look at him, and keep looking at him until I fall asleep. I just want to touch him and feel him. I want to go to sleep knowing that he is right next to me. I want the what ifs to go the freak away and the for certains to arrive. It's such a silly notion since nothing in life is for certain, ever.

I have so many things to look forward to in the future. I have so many experiences to be incredibly excited about. I almost feel like I felt right before the lobster and I got married. I almost feel like our whole lives are laid out before us and all we have to do is begin step one.

Except that step one is a big one. What if step one is the final step? What if step one is nothing like what I've been hoping or imagining? What if step one is goodbye? What if...


A friend of mine put my anxious thoughts in perspective today. I'm thankful because it was exactly what I needed. I had been reeling off of so many unknowns and so many changes that I was nearly crazy this afternoon. My dear friend, who is in so many ways a part of my family, reminded me that all of this is a process of steps. I need to stop thinking in the terms of big picture and refocus to each moment, each aspect of the journey. This moment, for this day, I know what to expect. It was actually an incredibly monumental moment, because there is something spiritually beautiful when a friend can climb into your mountain of crazy, pull you off the cliff, and set you right back down in reality when they have no idea that they're doing it. This kind of crap makes my friend incredibly uncomfortable, but I figure God stuck me on 'em for a purpose, and maybe it's for my emotional crap! :)

So here's a toast, at the end of my day, to a thousand things chiseled down to one step at a time. Here's a toast to die-hard old friends, surprise heroes, the world's greatest husband (seriously.... he really is the greatest. You can argue all you want, but you aren't married to him...), and the excitement of coming to terms with having no idea about what's around the bend. Here's a toast to raising our feet up for step one.