Reflections

Today me and the firecracker of my children had some words. She was acting out ridiculously, and my reaction to her was completely inappropriate. I screamed. To be honest, I think my reaction startled her just as much as it startled me. We both sort of looked at each other in shock. Then the words of Rosa popped in to my brain: When talking to our children, we often forget to ask them to help us. Help us by making good choices. Help us by speaking kindly. Help us by controlling ourselves. We often command them to obey instead of asking them to.


Her words shot through my like the explosion of a M1Abrams. It knocked me back. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed.

I called my little firecracker over, who was back to screaming at me, and I laughed in my brain about the horrible example I was. How could I "command" her to obey me, when I was displaying the very behavior she was!? So I said Listen. I think we both struggle with self control, don't we? She got silent. I think we both scream sometimes when we're angry. Do you think we should do that? She said No. I continued So I want to tell you that I am very sorry for screaming at you. I was not being a good role model. We all make bad choices sometimes, and I made a bad one. Will you forgive me? She said Of course I forgive you. I said Thanks. Now, since we both have this problem, do you think that maybe we could encourage, pray for, and help remind each other to be self controlled? She said Well I just can't think of how to do that! I said Me neither. How about if we just say 'Remember we need to be self controlled' when we're feeling out of control?


The kid who usually screams and sasses me and won't calm down for eighteen hundred thousand hours, immediately switched from angry to crying. I think in so many ways she and I are remarkably similar. A couple of weeks ago I felt like I didn't relate to her at all. I suppose I don't remember being four and not able to communicate the anger and abandonment I felt. We are both control freaks. We both feel much safer being angry than being hurt. We both hate crying. I don't mean that in the general girly way of saying that we don't like to cry, she and I will avoid it at all costs, and do almost anything to prevent the real emotions from being displayed: withdraw, be angry, act silly, deflect, change the subject...

Today I recognized myself in my youngest. It gave me a completely different viewpoint. She and I are both struggling with our lack of control. We would both rather be angry and distracted than hurt. We both love a human being that compels us, and forces us, to experience these periods of circumstantial devastation. Maybe this is part of our life journey: to learn to live in sadness. Not avoiding it, ignoring it, or translating it into anger, but to dwell within the moments of pain and to be okay with that.

Maybe she and I need to learn to turn our eggshells into feathers.