Denial ain't just a river in Egypt...
I wonder how the next several days will all play out. I wonder how the kids will handle all of these changes.
This past week has been filled with excitement. Lots and lots of activity.
The week began with sickness. My entire family got some weird cold thing. It wasn't terrible, but it grounded us over the weekend.
Monday began with my back stepping up the trouble it's been causing. I have two slipped discs compliments of the triplet pregnancy. Truth be told, my back has been troubling me for the past three weeks. I have ignored it, physical therapy'd it, and tried to push on. As of yesterday, the pain was so intense that I resigned myself to taking painkillers (for those of you who know me, you recognize the immense level of agony I must be in to start taking meds). It was so bad I almost had the lobster take me to the ER. Instead, I opted for this massage called a Chakra (it's completely new agey, not something I knew going into it, but it really helped bring the pain down a few notches). I am now going to be heading to the chiropractor to see if that can help. They are closed though, until Monday, so I will just have to keep pushing through the pain until then. It's okay. I had a C section with no anesthesia (a fete I am quite amazed by to this day), so I figure I can handle this. Especially with the pain meds.
On Tuesday night, one member of the tripod blessed our group (and her family, more importantly. lol) with a beautiful little baby girl. She soldiered through an extremely exhausting labor. It was so amazing to see that precious little angel MBF. I wish I could describe to you what the moment was like. It was so emotionally overwhelming. The last time I saw a baby be born it was clouded with sadness, loss, and heartache (when my three little ones were born...). It was so magnificent to see one be born healthy, strong, and vibrant. I treasure that image in my mind. I will never have words to say what it meant to be there.
So here I am on a Thursday night, packing up my suitcase of emotions in order to say goodbye to my soldier while he goes to train in order to say goodbye for the "big" one. It never seems to fail that one of his soldiers does something stupid the day before a goodbye, and he ends up working. Oh well. It's the life, I suppose. I sort of feel numb. I guess I feel irritated.
I don't really know what I expect from myself. I am just so pissed. My tolerance for stupidity is at an all time low. I have no room for drama or other people's stupid perspectives. I genuinely do not care. At least not today. It's actually quite weird to be in this zone. I have long spent time wondering, worrying, focusing on the thoughts, perspectives, viewpoints, and desires of others. It is only recently that I have been comfortable enough to draw lines and walk away. This I will deal with, that I will not. This I can handle, that I can not.
I have been realizing that a lot of things just aren't worth it so much to me anymore. Spending my moments trying to handle the emotions of everyone else around me is just way too draining. I have enough trouble handling my own. It's weird for me to be in a place where I have friends around whom I can be fragile. I am thankful for it. I think I am finding that instead of having to present a strong front, my weaknesses shine through all the more. It's amazing how fragile one can be, when they know they are around people who love them enough to support them. It feels so refreshing to let my knees buckle. It's so strange...allowing myself to break. It feels so funny to be here, and to not be alone.
So here I am raising my wine glass. I am toasting to the BS that just happens. I am toasting to amazing friends who just get me when I'm pissed, just get me when I'm silly, just get me when I'm sad. I am toasting to a husband who accepts me, insanity and all, and loves me in spite of myself. I am toasting to four kids who are grieving already, despite the fact that he hasn't left yet. I am toasting to being comfortable enough to say "forget you" to the drama queens and people who stress me out. I am raising my glass to the sun setting on a generation of my life....and my knees are totally buckling...
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