my sss.eee.sss

I used to find a comfort in your existence. I believed it was for a purpose. Now I find my mind tossing over and over again...why? Did I ever love you? Did you ever really matter?

I suppose I never converted because at the time I found you incapable of answering my questions. I wonder why it was that you couldn't defend your faith. I wonder why it was that you held on so tightly to something without having any answers as to why.

I loved you so much. I loved the idea of you. I loved the addiction to you. I loved the control of you. I loved your weakness. I loved that I was never really fragile. I loved that I was never helpless. I was never putty. I was always the alpha. There was never any question of your ability to lead me...it simply wasn't there.

So out of some obligation to hold onto my current addiction to not failing, I dove in to your church. I dove in with all that I had and sunk in and analyzed, patronized, and criticized. I remember one night when I was asking you all of these things (I suppose at the time it was almost like a pleading...if you would just realize your foolishness, or prove to me mine...) and you ended up in tears. I think that was the moment I knew it was over. I think that was the particular time when I knew you and I would never be a "we". I think at that time I was not comfortable with accepting that, and neither were you.

Why didn't you convert me? Why didn't you ever challenge me to read the catechism, or to find answers to my questions? Why did you just cop out? Truth be told, I don't know what I believe. I feel lost in a haze of confusion. As I read through the catechism, I find myself riddled with more and more questions. I find myself feeling more and more angry with you.

Maybe it was all a part of His cosmic plan. Maybe if I'd converted I would've married you and a disaster would've ensued. Truth be told, you were never man enough to handle my insanity. I realize that sounds harsh, but I don't mean it harshly. You just didn't have the balls to handle mine. I am quite certain you will one day (or maybe you already have I don't know) make some woman a fine husband...I just always knew how to play you. And I always knew I could never trust you.

Here he comes waltzing around with his stupid answers and aggravating questions and his irritating perspectives and it pisses me off. What is it about him that renders me incapable of just saying "F" him? What is it about his questions that so peaks my curiosity and plays into my need to know and understand? Does he just know how to play my old curiosity shop? Or did You send him here to fight the good fight against me? Did You send him here to prove a point? What if he is wrong? What if I am being led astray? The lobster doesn't have the opportunity to ask these questions, because of the stupid barriers put up. So how do I know I'm not being manipulated (not that I think he is attempting to do that)?

So I blame you S. I blame you for not being smart enough, or strong enough, or capable enough to fight me, then. I blame you for not leading me to a resource who was capable of playing with intelligent people. I blame you for quitting on me.