searching for the open window

Sometimes you have the most perfect of all plans. You have prayed about them, meticulously thought them over, and then discovered that those plans just aren't going to happen. So there you are...your path that you had so precisely painted and sculpted is getting volcanoed right in front of you. The other path, the one you had not labored so hard for, is completely wild and scary. It is the amazonian jungle of all paths. You are looking at it and thinking in your head what the heck am I going to do!? I can't go down that path!

Of everything that I imagined to be happening in my life, this is not it. This was not a part of our "plan". To be prejudiced and discriminated against, and then prevented from advancement is the most ridiculous of notions. I can't even begin to fathom my emotions. I can't begin to explain the level of self control that it takes not to freak out and start screaming obscenities at the people that I previously thought kindly of. Those gentlemen should be ashamed of themselves. They should be embarrassed to hold the positions that they hold. At least God knows what they have said. God heard them, even if they believe no one else did. And one day the manipulative, passive aggressive, erroneous statements that they have made will be revealed. Your true nature is now known to me. One day, everyone will see you for who you are.

We have been praying so much about what it is that God has wanted us to do. Sometimes, truth be told, the answers come in the "no" forms much more so than the "yes" forms. When He shuts a door...

I can't deny that I am terrified to walk through the amazonian jungle. The discomfort of my marital life for the past seven years has been so familiar to me. I am used to the insanity that is the military. I am comfortable in the craziness. Maybe it's because I know its insane and have therefore resigned myself to it. Maybe it's because there is a comfort that comes in being uncomfortable. Maybe that's why it all needs to change. God knows that I seem to thrive the best in the most insane of situations. Truth be told, I am grateful for Him allowing me to experience them. It is through hardship, that I grow the most. All the same, I hate to be here.

I wonder what will happen in the days to come. I am afraid. I am uncomfortable. I am nervous. But yet, on the flip side, I have a feeling of a notion of freedom that I have not known since before I married into this life. It's almost like the sun might possibly be rising. What will be next? I have no idea! But whatever it is, I know that the lobster and I will navigate it together and that brings me tremendous comfort.