the lobster, and pretty-ness, and me.

I am not a girly girl. Seriously. I think of all people who know me, they would seriously look at me and say "Her? Girly!? HA!" I have a dominant personality and I am hardcore. I have just always been that way. I have intensely high expectations for myself, and I have pretty much expected to have the best of the best.

I was never willing to compromise. You know how guys always are about girls (unrealistic, INSANE expectations on what kind of woman they will "allow" to love them?)? ahem...that was me. Just in the male way. I was crazy high in what I demanded from a husband. That is if I would have allowed it to get that far.

Every single relationship that I was in was a settlement. Each of them had unique reasons for why I was with them: loneliness, growth, challenges, comfort, laughter, something to do...but none of them were capable of standing the test of who I genuinely was, and being able to be more of a man than my personality portrayed.

I am intelligent. I don't say that in a look at me aren't I so great? kind of way. It's simply a matter of truth. I don't think I have ever been the kind of girl that a man looks at and goes "oh my gosh I want to shag that mustang right there!" But, to be completely honest, I never wanted a man to look at me and think that ever. It always enraged me the idea of wearing make up, or jewelry, or clothing in order to "lure" a man in. In my opinion, a real man sees beyond all things external to the true nature of the woman underneath. I don't know if I actively sought out the opposite of attractiveness. I never tried to appear ugly, I just didn't give my appearance much thought, because I genuinely wanted to be loved, cherished, and cared for, because of my character, integrity, honor, and virtue, as opposed to my breasts, legs, eyes, lips, etc etc etc. I am so much more than physical appearance.

It's strange to me how the man I married appears to so many as weak. It quite honestly baffles me. I think it shows a pathetically low level of intelligence to see my husband and have a picture of weakness. To know my personality, is to know the incredible amount of intelligence, leadership, and ability that it takes to lead me. My sister told me a long time ago that I would not find happiness until I found a man that was stronger than me. To be perfectly honest, I did not "find" him. God led him to me, in every single sense of the word. Our meeting was divinely created, and our relationship has been completely 100% founded, blessed, sustained, and developed by the grace of God.

I still remember the day I was going to meet him in person (we met on the phone...long story...). Never in my life had I tried on so many outfits. I remember that I was thinking what the heck is wrong with me? I've never cared about my appearance before! I finally settled on jeans, an orange turtleneck that was my mother's when she was young (and yes, I still have it), and a cute jacket (it was really cold outside after all). I spent forever asking my roommates how I should wear my hair, if I looked good, if I should change. I remember them laughing at me, because I think they were completely shocked to see me so nervous. I knew I was going to marry that man the night I met him on the phone. Seriously. I had no idea what he looked like, but I knew. It was instantaneous. If you don't believe me, you can ask my college friends, because that night at dinner I told them all that I had met the man I was going to marry...on the phone.

I think, when it comes to ugly ducklings, the right kind of love and affection can morph them into something so completely different than what they were. I genuinely want to look nice for him. It's strange, because I really don't care about what anyone else thinks. Just him. I know that he thinks I'm beautiful. He tells me all of the time. It always seems that the parts of my body that I am most insecure about, are the one's he cherishes the most.

I am so thankful that God gave him genuine eyes. I am thankful that God blessed him with a deeper perception than skin deep. I am blessed that God laid so heavily on his heart, a desire for character so much more so than physical appearance. He is literally the greatest gift I have ever been given. I am so humbled to be his helper.