Catholicism.

This week I keep feeling, tugged, pulled, something'd towards the RCC. It's a notion that confuses and perplexes me, to be perfectly honest. Not that I am against that church. Not at all. Quite the contrary. I definitely think it has a lot of brokenness and issues that need to be corrected and resolved. Truth be told, though, at the core of all things Christianity, I don't know of a single church that doesn't. In my entire life, I have never seen one church that 100% completely follows and obeys what scripture lays out.

While the RCC has some brokenness, it has an immense aspect that I have found in no other church: reverence. In protestantism, worship of God has morphed so much more into a concert, than an awesome awe inspiring, amazingly beautiful, humbling, silencing, amazing act of love towards God. It seems to be more about solo's and spotlights, than it is about who He really is and what it is that He enjoys. People have so little reverence for God. He is portrayed to be all about love and laughter, and His majesty, His fierceness, His justice, His power, are almost completely ignored...especially the presence of His Holy Spirit.

The urging towards the RCC isn't what perplexes me, it's the person connected to it that does. In all my years of loving, fighting, arguing, aggravating, and debating Catholics (including priests and one bishop), he is the only one who gets under my skin. Of our countless "discussions" he has only conceded on ONE issue (and when he did I was so shocked that it literally rendered me speechless).

The complication of him is that he is the last person on God's green earth that I would've ever expected to bring about this situation in my life. I suppose I had become comfortable in the position that no one was smart enough, capable enough, quick thinking enough, or fierce enough to take me on. I am an intense person to discuss theology with. I will not be comforted, nor resigned to wishy washy, "good feeling" religion and if you can't back up what you say, I'm genuinely not interested. Did God create him for the purpose of calling my family? Is that merely coincidence or divinely all laid out?

What do I appreciate about him? Truthfully, his compatibleness. He is capable of holding his own against me. I value that, honestly, I think more than anything else. I am a fast talker, a fast thinker, and I know how to argue. So is he. I honestly don't think there is another person on this planet capable of taking me on, aside from him. I have never met a person like him.

I value that he is not my husband or any other romantic entity in my life. When I was dating SS, I always felt pressured, pushed, forced, and almost begged to "convert" (though to be honest, I don't like that word. Our faiths are virtually identical-protestants and catholics. I think acceptance is a better word, as the RCC is more about humbling one's self to leadership). SS desperately wanted me to be where he was so that he would never be challenged, and so that he could marry me without any sort of nervousness or guilt. With J, he has nothing to gain, nor benefit, by what I do or don't believe. It really doesn't matter to him, one way or the other. That is refreshing.

What I wonder is, when he moves on from my life, will this urging go away? Is the urging linked to his ability to fight me, or is it spiritual? Is he the cause or is Christ? His existence nags me. Is this all coincidence or providence? If it is, just coincidence, does that devoid it of all meaning and intent? If it is providence, is that a divine revelation of where I belong?

It's embarrassing to have loved Christ for so long, to have studied, to have pondered, sought, and desired for so long, and yet to still seem to know so completely little about Him. I love being the student. I suppose what I wonder is... is he trustworthy enough to be the teacher?