The notion of ever having a circus was pretty much lost on me when I was fifteen. I didn't grow up in the most delightful of circumstances. To basically fight, force, and beg your way to feeling loved and accepted, isn't my take on having a delightful childhood. Not that I am complaining about it, I believe it instilled in me a fighter pilot nature that has enabled me to withstand the most violent of adulthood experiences. I was not a hilarious child. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't graceful. I wasn't classy. I was hardcore and angry. I was hell bent on perfection. I found my acceptance in achievement (which was largely ignored), and Christianly perfectionism. Truth be told, in my family, if you weren't attempting suicide, or shagging everything in sight, or screaming louder than everyone else around you, then you didn't matter. To rebel against the "system" was what got you attention. I was way too convicted religiously to allow that in myself. I was way too focused on being perfect to allow myself to fall.
When I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with a disorder that would make having children nearly impossible. Truth be told, I think when my doctor said it, I was relieved. The idea of creating a circus (as opposed to leaving the one I grew up in) was atrocious. Why would anyone ever want to have children!?
Perhaps this notion of being unpregnatable and my passionate abhorrence of all things birth control, I never even contemplated cautiousness in regards to conceiving a child. This is where I can say with 100% certainty, that God has a sense of humor.
The woman who was supposed to not be able to conceive (I was literally told that I probably would never be able to have a baby even WITH methods like IVF), was found to be with child...days before my brand new, fresh off the printer, licensed and armed, husband was to head on to the middle east.
The circus began...
Over the years our circus has grown from two, to three, to six, to eight... People have come and gone from our lives. Pets have come and gone. We have broken down the tent, and put it up elsewhere.
All of this leads me to wonder what my circus role is. I mean, who do I portray under the bright lights? I suppose I would be the ring leader. I make sure all of the acts are keeping up with time, looking sharp, and the crowds are entertained. A lot of people might be under the impression the ring leader is the boss, the alpha male...the top dog. However, it just goes to show how little they know about the circus. In a circus, the top dog is the director, not the ring leader. The ring leader is just another act in the grand balancing scheme that the makes up the circus whole.
I wonder how we perform in the grand scheme of things. I wonder if our circus is valuable.
The woman who was supposed to not be able to conceive (I was literally told that I probably would never be able to have a baby even WITH methods like IVF), was found to be with child...days before my brand new, fresh off the printer, licensed and armed, husband was to head on to the middle east.
The circus began...
Over the years our circus has grown from two, to three, to six, to eight... People have come and gone from our lives. Pets have come and gone. We have broken down the tent, and put it up elsewhere.
All of this leads me to wonder what my circus role is. I mean, who do I portray under the bright lights? I suppose I would be the ring leader. I make sure all of the acts are keeping up with time, looking sharp, and the crowds are entertained. A lot of people might be under the impression the ring leader is the boss, the alpha male...the top dog. However, it just goes to show how little they know about the circus. In a circus, the top dog is the director, not the ring leader. The ring leader is just another act in the grand balancing scheme that the makes up the circus whole.
I wonder how we perform in the grand scheme of things. I wonder if our circus is valuable.
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