Chief

There are these moments where it feels fitting to smoke a cigarette. The kind where the words have all run out and you're left with this convoluted mess of chaos and feelings and intensity but no ability to express it outwards. The kind that you just want to exhale out of your lungs in ash and smoke because it feels so fitting. Perfect in the moment. 

I am here wrapped up in random smells and substances that are all sunbeams of you. And I feel like an addict whose run out of cigarettes, digging around for any piece of you still here. I am desperate for a smell. Desperate for a memory. Desperate for you.

It's pathetic. In a thousand ways it feels so junior high. In a thousand more it feels like magic and ecstasy and pure elation. The mere thought of your presence in front of me sends my world into roller coasters. I. a. dore. you.

In a million ways I'm a failure and a "let down". In a million ways I didn't live up to my potential of all that I was capable of being. The career plans, the future goals all washed down the drain when my ears first heard the sound of your voice. I was gone. Sucker punched by an emotion I never really believed in. Drawn in to a reality that was only music and poetry and songs. No one ever experienced that in real life.

You came around and cluttered up all of my plans, my purpose. You changed the channel and everything was different in that instant. I was spellbound, love struck, addicted.

And now your smell haunts my senses, your fingertips are the only thing that makes me feel awake. Now my purpose has become honoring you, making you proud... 

You wrap your arms around my waist and my whole sense of fierceness, my independent woman warrior ethos fade away. The real, scared, small, insecure creature is instantly exposed and I am helpless. I am helpless and safe in a single moment that I am incapable of guarding against or changing. In all honesty, I don't want to.

You wrap your words up in my brain and they dance around me all day long. Singing love songs at random moments. 

This is the one thing that I was created for. All the rest of the stuff is window decorations but this, this... You-and-me... This is the stuff that makes me go wow. This is the stuff that makes me feel like smoking a cigarette. The kind where you just need to inhale and exhale all of the feelings that you can't put into words, and watch them fade away. The kind where you run out of expressions and all that's left is just you and your breath against the sky.