Rebirth

Sometimes the world seems so dark that you can barely remember what the light feels like, let alone looks like. Sometimes God feels cruel and disconnected and oh so distant that you begin to wonder if He even exists. Sometimes hope begins to feel like a dirty word chaining you to a situation that your mind keeps screaming at you to walk away from, but your soul, your spirit knows better... Sometimes love hurts so big and so deep and so wide that you almost wish it didn't exist. Or maybe it's just the memories of its wonder and extravagance that you want to will away...

I have been in the deepest, darkest places that love could possibly ever bring a human being. I was abandoned by my "church", many of my "friends", and nearly all of my local support when the nuclear explosion destroyed us. My world was falling apart and I had no answers. It was hell.

But some thing in the back of my mind triggered a fight. And I fought with all of my might. And there were a thousand nights where I was convinced I was losing, or it was hopeless. There were a thousand nights where there was no possible positive outcome that could exist. The world told me to accept this hell as my new normal or to abandon the person I have yoked myself with. Neither were an option in my universe.

I can't count the number of times I cried myself to sleep. Or screamed at what felt like a spiteful, hateful God. I can't count the number of times where I began to believe in all of the "self help" books that existed, or the "therapists" that came into my life. I can't count them because there was so many, too many...

The grief was so overwhelming that I reached a point where I was no longer able to feel it. I became numb. Numb to joy, hope, love, gentleness, goodness. Lost in darkness. And in the midst of that dark and torrid place, I cried out to my God and Creator for a sign. I was so desperate I didn't have the thought process of you're not supposed to ask for a sign. Maybe that's why He heard me. Maybe that's why in that moment of sheer desperation He rescued me. Or maybe a thousand other scenarios that I won't ever be able to understand.

But I can tell you, I can promise you, my weary reader... It will get better. I can promise you that with all that I am. I can tell you that we have lost site of the sheer beauty that agony can create. Because out of the ashes, of your entire world burning down around you, will come the most beautiful experience that you can't even describe. Out of the muck and mire of this hurt that is so intense, and so devastating will come a beautiful, beautiful, testimony that will move mountains and change souls and change your life.

Don't ever stop fighting for him. Even if he asks you to. Because it's not about what he asks. It's about what God called you to do. It's not about him. It's about Him! It's about what your Creator called you to do. He prepared you, equipped you, for this god-awful battle, and He is in this hell with you. Don't ever forget that He conquered hell... And together with you, He will conquer this hell too.

I have lived hell. I have lived more hurts than are possible to put words to. Out of the ashes of my whole world being burned to the ground, came the most beautiful experiences I could have ever imagined. Out of the devastation of the nuclear bomb that destroyed my universe came a new creation, sweeter than honey, more precious than gold. And it's all because of You.

I never knew it could be so much better than it was...