Slow Goodbyes

Goodbye comes in many forms. Sometimes it's quick and sudden. The impact hits you like a sucker punch. It's final. Permanent. Over. Sometimes goodbye comes slowly. It drags its feet, making sad eyes on its long, long walk to the door. I have been venturing down this journey of goodbye to you now for weeks. You've slowly slipping away from me. Sure, you still have moments of vitality. You jump up and and rough-house. And then you have moments like tonight... You can't even stand up. You lean against me with all of your 100+ lbs, and you look at me with this look that says I'm hurting. Will you please let me go?

I don't know how Jake. I don't know how. And it's strange because in some ways I hate you for falling apart. In some ways I wish this slow goodbye would just end. In some ways I feel betrayed. How dare you be dying? How could you? How could you do this to me? You made me love you and then you do this... And in other ways I think you're just as reluctant to go as I am to let you. In other ways I think you don't want to leave this world.

It all seems so dramatic. It feels so painful. Who knew you could become one of my best friends? Who knew you could ever mean this much to me?

Your labored breathing pains me. When you cry out in pain, I want to fight for you. It's strange that there is no "fight" to actually fight. Just acceptance. I know that you're trying to teach me a lesson... I know in your gentle, ever faithful way you're trying to show me what letting go looks like. You're trying to teach me to live in the moment and stop imagining the hurt that's on its way. But it is Jake. It is. I know it, and I wish that I didn't. I wish I could keep going on, naive to the freight train heading my way.

We lay on the floor, chest to chest, and you wrap your furry arm around me. It's strange how in some ways you're so human. I told Chief once that I believed you are my guardian angel. Aren't guardian angels supposed to stay forever? Stupid me... Another lesson to learn...

I don't want you to go. I don't want to have to watch you agonizing, and have this internal battle within myself. I don't want to have this question constantly plaguing my mind... when. When? When....? How can I know when you've finally had enough? How can you put this on my shoulders? I don't know what to do Jake. I don't know how.

So instead I'll lay here on the floor snuggled up next to you. I'll lay here and let you wrap your furry arms around me, and I'll fall asleep. I'll do my best to cherish these days, and I'll try so hard to be ready for that moments when it finally comes....

I'm an asshole Jake. I've always been one. Thank you for loving me anyway. And thank you for being patient with me.