Dads

I think when something is happening to a child, the Dad's get overlooked. They become an almost afterthought. They're not overtly emotional (generally speaking), and the Mom's are generally handling the majority of the circumstances. Maybe I should state that this is how it is in my house. Chief gets overlooked, while I'm disintegrating into a million little pieces.

Last night I looked over at my amazing husband's face and he looked so defeated. He looked deflated, exhausted and destroyed. He looked exactly how my heart was feeling. I asked him what was wrong. He said he was tired. Isn't that what men often say? "Tired" translates to: I'm feeling every single thing that you're feeling: helpless, broken, terrified, angry, sad... but I know you need to feel that so I'm going to be strong for you and for her and I'm going to not give you one more thing to worry about.

The truth is, we're both in the same boat. We're both frustrated by the waiting... We both want to know, for good or for bad, what is going on with our daughter. We both want to be able to step back and survey what we're facing and then figure out how we're going to get through it. We're both hurting. We're both angry. We're both helpless.

Chief's love for me is like a lantern in the darkness. He's in the shelter with a light and I can go there to get my bearings. Somehow I forgot that he needs a little bit of light too. Somehow I forgot to create an environment where it's okay for him to grieve this process.

I love you Chief. You are an excellent Daddy. You're an excellent husband. You are the glue that holds me together. We will get through this. We've weathered some incredible storms. And even though this one feels like the hardest yet, we are all going to be okay.