blood

When your daughter's pediatrician talks about sending your daughter to an oncologist, you sort of have a mini panic attack. If you've seen enough death in your life, your mind goes to places that you don't want it to. For moments, your brain feels like it's standing on the ledge of a 800 story building and you have to sort of talk yourself down. She is fine. This is just precautionary. Don't worry until you know for certain there is something to worry about. Everything isn't cancer...

It's amazing how one blood test can take a mother from being thankful for her family's health, to something else. And it's all so silly really, because we don't have the results and I'm sure she'll be fine. She has to be. Right? People with cancer are "sick". She's fine. Just tired. But she's fine.

Last night, she, Chief and I were all playing. It's something we do often after the triplets have gone to bed. In this random moment, I grabbed her and I just couldn't let go. My mind went to the moments where she was tiny and I could keep her safe. Then it went to the images of people I have known who sat by their children's bedsides while they struggled for life.

She'll be fine. I know she will. But there is this tiny little piece of my brain whispering but what if she isn't?