Novena

I was having a pour-my-heart out session with my non-spouse-best-friend the other day. (side note: It's really weird being an adult and saying the terms "best friend" however, he is most definitely mine. It's a term I have not given to an individual in years. But certain people are destined to be in your life and he is absolutely destined to be in mine.) It was a conversation that I desperately needed to have and honestly I was eager to have it. I knew that he would tell me what I needed to hear (not what is generally believed to be appropriate, placating, or "comforting"). I knew he wouldn't try to comfort me with BS that isn't the truth. I knew he would acknowledge how hard this is, and allow me the freedom to be really pissed off, and he did. 

He also told me I needed to pray a Novena. It's something I adamantly objected to at first, but eventually agreed to think about doing. It's funny how the people who know you the best, often know what you most need to do, especially when you really don't want to.

After agreeing to contemplate this action, I went to bed and woke up to a church day. My family went to church, despite the fact that I genuinely did not want to go. 

At church our priest said something that punched me in the face. He said "EPHPHATHA!" (be opened!). He said open your ears, open your eyes, open your heart. He said open the windows of your experience. Let the air in. Be exposed. Be open. It was the first time in this entire ordeal that I knew the Holy Spirit was talking to me. I have not been open. I've closed all the layers of my oniony heart and hidden inside the cocoon. I have been too afraid to open myself up to the situation before me. 

So I'm still contemplating the Novena. Except that now it's much more likely that I will do it. I'm trying to open myself. I'm trying to stop hiding from all of the possibilities. I'm trying to expose the fear, anger, and dread to His light. I need His breath of fresh air. 

I'm trying. But I'm making no promises of success.