This morning I took what I can only call the most significant step in my whole life. A lot of people think that getting married, having children, or buying a house would classify as this pivotal moment in their life. For me, getting married and having children were massively significant moments in my life, but they paled in comparison to this one. On this day, December 4, 2011, I officially and publicly said goodbye to my former life of Baptist faith and tradition, and stated my intention to join in full communion with the Roman Catholic Church.

I was a passionate Baptist. I led bible studies, dove into massive theological understanding, sought out truth, challenged and questioned God, myself and others. I have had people say a lot of things about what my spiritual gifts are. I have been the "hope" of a lot of leaders who wanted me to take up the biblical teaching task and allow them to relax a little.

Truth be told, I love Scripture. I thrive on it. I enjoy studying it. It is a massive passion of mine to take what so many people struggle to grasp, or barely pay attention to, and then help them to look at it in a different way. It is a massive desire in my heart to help other people fall in love with Jesus. So many people have no idea who He really is and they live angry, frustrated lives, because no one actually takes the time to introduce them. That breaks my heart.

Leaving my life of Protestantism was incredibly painful. The amount of agony in my heart over all the people that I have assisted in leading in error cripples me. I am hungry for more and more truth and understanding. I am sad to leave that which has been so familiar to me. It hurts. It seems so silly that it does, but I can't seem to stop myself. It hurts to know that I have to draw the line, and I can't partake in this wishy washy attitude of "aren't we all a part of the same team" kind of perspective. Truthfully, we're not. Catholicism and Protestantism are mutually exclusive beliefs. You either believe that the Catholic Church was the backbone on which Christ established his tradition and church or you don't. You either believe the Eucharist is a commandment (John 6) or you don't. You either believe that the Eucharist is the actual blood and body of Christ or you don't. You either believe that scripture has called all of us to a life of submission to both God and the church, or you don't. You really do have to choose between the two. And it's hard.

Protestantism is incredibly successful because it's entirely emotions based. Truthfully, that's all it really has going for it. Think about it, Sunday morning is all about "vibe." Do I feel good in this place? Do I feel the Holy Spirit here? Do I feel welcomed? Do I feel this is where God wants me to be? Do I like the worship? Do I feel moved when the music is playing? The list of self centered questions go on and on. Protestant church, however, is all about self. And when it's all about self, it's not about God. Because self focus and God focus are mutually exclusive. You are either focused on God, or yourself.

Leaving a life which has been entirely centered on my feelings is hard. I used to feel the presence of God all around me. I used to feel God moving in me and around me. I don't anymore. Not that I don't know that He's moving and that He's here, I just don't have the emotional aspect of it anymore. It requires a massive change in perspective. Knowing and feeling are two completely different things. I know God is around me. I know God is here and moving.

Today, I had all the physical manifestations of my body's version of panic: migraine headache, sweating, dizziness, shaking. I literally felt sick. Then Fr. Rick started talking. He started talking about this beautiful experience is clinging to God, and letting all of the other stuff fade away. This has been lost in the "christian" realm. People are too focused on feelings. They're too focused on numbers, or tithes, or buildings, or popularity, or concerts. People are too focused on appearing like they're in love with God to actually be in love with God. People don't cling to Him anymore. I don't even think they really know Him.

This day is painful in a lot of ways. I have always been immaculately different from those around me. I have always been the odd one: in my family, in my friends, in the crowd. I have hated this aspect of myself. So today I walked away from the faith of my family, the faith of my friends, and I feel incredibly alone in my circle. I was hurt that my friends didn't support me today. I was hurt that while so many of my beautiful church family shared in celebrations and encouragement, I was ignored and snapped at. It's not that those things are required. I'm not on this journey for the celebration of others. This is not about anyone other than me and Christ, but it still stings.

I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters at St. Patrick's. I am thankful for their hugs and their cheers and their support. I am thankful for the journey that we're all on together. I'm thankful for the sense of family that they have brought to my life. I am thankful even for the stings that came along with this day. I am thankful that Chief was standing right next to me while we both said our first official "goodbye" to all that we had previously known and our public "hello" to Truth. I am thankful for his shoulder to cry on in mass. I am thankful for the man that he is. I am constantly in awe of his support, encouragement and wisdom.

So I suppose I'm trying to process all of this.