I am feeling so discouraged. I feel like all of my positivity is gone and I just feel completely defeated. I am so frustrated with my broken body that is not functioning right. I'm exhausted all the time, sick all the time, and if I eat more than 1000 calories a day I gain weight and more weight and more weight. I hurt because my body can't handle this much weight. It doesn't matter that I exercise every. single. day. It doesn't matter that I eat like a health nut. It doesn't matter that I take vitamins, stay away from soft drinks, consume an incredible amount of water, etc etc. I don't like sweets, so I exceptionally rarely eat them (we're talking maybe once every two months). I don't crave junk food (chips are such a waste of nutrition). I just am so fed up.

So after four months of being sick (literally), I went to the doctor. As much as I love medicine, I am intelligent enough to know when a physician actually needs to treat me and when I just need to suffer through. I know I need to see an endocrinologist. I know my hormones are off. But now my insurance company no longer believes in referring people out. So the doctor said it will probably be denied. Wonderful. The Army will pay thousands of dollars for me to have some sort of weight loss surgery but heaven forbid I should actually see the specialist who can fix what's wrong with me.

I feel like giving up. I feel like crawling into a hole and hiding. It's not that I care about being fat. Seriously, I don't. It's the control. I have none. Yes, I can control what I eat. Yes, I control whether or not I work out. But I have no control over my body performing the way it is supposed to. I have no control over whether or not all of my nutritional and health efforts will do anything.

Today my blood pressure was really high. So despite that I eat like a nutrition nut. Despite that I exercise every day, my body is still falling apart. It is incredibly maddening and immensely frustrating.

Is this my punishment for getting my tubes tied?