I'm sitting her in my grandpa's chair sipping hot coco from your favorite giant coffee cup. You know the one I'm talking about, the City of Los Angeles Starbucks one with the blue and white downtown LA outline. I miss you Chief. I mean, I really miss you. I've been forced to lay around all day and all that ends up happening is that I think about that you are not here and I feel sad. Everything feels so different from four months ago.

I have this feeling of impending doom. I know you probably think it's silly, and I suppose it is in a lot of ways. Feelings are not indications of what's to come. Feelings are manifestations of what we hope for, or fear. I fear you not coming home alive. I fear a world without you by my side. I fear raising our children alone. I fear having to make decisions without your wisdom. I fear not being strong enough to resist peer pressure, or to resist making stupid decisions. I fear life without you.