I remember having such a heightened sense of the house when my children were little. I would sleep, but it was almost as if my mind was constantly ready to be alerted, my body was instantly ready to react if necessary. My husband says that's how it is in combat...he is always ready to react, defend, protect, if necessary.
I was thinking about how so many soldiers think that while they're barely sleeping over there we are peacefully dreaming away the night, while here. I'm going to have to call BS on that one. You see, Army wives just don't sleep that much when their men are gone.
It's not that we don't want to. I promise you, we desperately do. Our bodies need and crave sleep. It's not because we don't have peace that God will protect us. We don't stay awake because we're afraid. We stay awake because we are always on high alert.
For example, your phone could ring at any second of the day or night. An Army Wife is vehemently attached to her cell phone. She is almost a nazi about it. We intentionally and purposefully avoid places where we have no cell phone service. The phone's are with us while we shower. They are near us when we're at church. They are there at the doctor's office. They are on at almost all times. Just in case the soldier calls... It is a sure fire way to completely ruin our days, to miss a call from our soldier down range. Especially because with each phone call is an ever present notion that this could just possibly be our "last one" and we'd better make it count.
We are also on high alert should anything possibly happen in the night. When your husband is home, you always know (even if you have a jerk of a husband who does little to no parenting at night with your kids) that you have back up should it be required. You know that if your house catches on fire, your husband can grab two of your four kids and you the other two. If your spouse is deployed, it's only you who will be around to get all four kids out of the house. If someone gets sick, or wets the bed, or sleep walks, or falls out of bed, or any of the thousand of things that can occur in the middle of the night, it's all on you to fix it, clean it, change it, and lead them back to their bed's safely. This causes an Army spouse's ears to be passionately tuned in to the sounds of the night...
We also don't sleep well because sleep isn't pretty, when it finally does show up. The dreams that come are enough to cause us to fight it off as long as possible. They're not all nightmares either. Truth be told, it's the beautiful dreams that hurt the most. It's the dreams where he is laying next to me in the pillow, or that he is laughing and playing with our children, or where we are sitting on our couch talking that cause the most pain. To be lost in a moment where my mind is in its most favorite of moments, and then to be jerked awake by reality is exhausting. To come back to the world with him not in it sucks.
Of course, the obvious is always looming... By obvious I mean what seems to so permeate the thoughts of those who pity us....if our soldier dies. Now I know the crap that everyone says (and I am honestly guilty of doing it myself): everyone dies. We could die driving to the grocery store. We will go when it's our time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. But the truth is, for the majority of people, that's not really a part of their consciousness. You don't wake up in the morning going, hey! It's really possible that my husband will die on his way to work today! Most people don't have that as an actual possibility in their minds. It's not that it isn't possible, or true, it's just not a part of their daily reality. Maybe if it was more marriages would be successful...I don't know...
So when you hear an Army wife say they're tired, don't say stupid things to them like, "Well maybe you should go take a nap. Or you're ALWAYS tired!" Um...you would be too if you were in my shoes. I am tired. I am messy and crazy and emotional and strong and beautiful and carrying on. I am walking the longest freaking ruck march that anyone has ever walked. My pack on my back is the weight of my soldier + my four kids + our household responsibilities + all the normal aspects of life.
They say our bodies need four hours of sleep to survive...
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