I swear in my mind it was six months ago that Lolli was born. Seriously. I can't believe I'm wrapping my brain around the fact that she will be seven in about twelve seconds. Okay, not twelve seconds literally, but I think it'll feel like it is.
Time is blowing by so fast! I think my months of sickness and overall disintegrating physical health (and quite honestly, emotional state as well, because when your body starts falling apart, it doesn't take long for one's brain to be "sick of it"), has created a state of complete growth with my children. In a sense, I have had to check out of my daily activities (because I had to! People aren't really all that excited to hang out next to a person who is quite literally hacking up a lung. It's just not exciting!), which has enabled an environment where I have checked in to theirs. It sounds disgusting, doesn't it? What kind of mom needs to be sick so that she'll realize her children need her?
To be honest, I'm not a touchy feely person. I'm not girly. I'm pretty harsh, and incredibly strict. The last deployment brought about a change in me. My kids are getting older. They don't need so much micromanaging. They need a much greater freedom and range to make decisions (and fail sometimes too!) and see what happens. They need less of me telling them what to do and more of me just accepting their choices. I am not talking about letting my children run the house. I'm talking more in the context of problem solving, challenge partaking, making choices (this class or that class?), communicating with others...
Lately, I have been forcing myself to snuggle with my kids. I have to confess, that is hard for me to do. Touch is difficult for me. I feel so uncomfortable and paranoid and I don't enjoy it. But the thing is, I don't want to pass down my touch problems to my children. I don't want my children to feel like I don't love to snuggle. So I made an internal pact that I was going to physically spend time with them (playing with dolls, etc) and snuggle/hug/sit next to them every day in some format.
The change has been amazing. The children are completely soaking it up. They love the extra close time. They love feeling more important than phones, computers, calls, or anything else. They love having me playing with the dolls. To be honest, a good deal of the time, they just want to watch. They think it's like a performance or something and they want to see how the characters will play out. They are loving the snuggles. Charchee (the kid that's probably the most similar to my personality, especially in regards to the anti touching stuff) has become a touch-a-holic! She is constantly coming over to me for hugs and kisses. I almost don't recognize this kid! I don't recognize myself either. I feel so different. I feel so connected to them. I feel less quick to snap at them or make them feel judged. I feel my heart being overwhelmed with compassion when they do something wrong, as opposed to frustration that they didn't do it right. I also feel more at peace with allowing them to struggle (example, lolli and learning to tie shoes...). I feel like I trust their opinions more. I am learning to really listen to them. It's amazing that I have never really done that. I have heard them (cries, whines, requests, etc), but I don't think I ever really listened. They all have some pretty beautiful minds. They think about and process such amazing things!
I feel embarrassed by this experience. I wish I could say that all of this stuff was easy for me. I wish I could say it comes naturally. It doesn't. Mothering is hard for me. It was not what I planned on experiencing, and truthfully, I don't really like kids that much. But these kids are drawing all these neat things out of me. They're making me girly and emotional. They're teaching me to stretch beyond myself.
I am thankful for this time with them. These moments are magical. These children are amazing. I am in awe of their strength and gentleness. I'm so humbled that we are all one family and one unit.
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