I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself. I woke up feeling angry and frustrated and just fed up with living this lifestyle. I went to sleep last night not wanting this morning to come. I didn't want him to go back to work. I don't want him to go to SoCal. I don't feel like sharing anymore.
Then I had this moment where my whiny, ungrateful, military focused mentality sort of sickened me. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like the Army dominates my existence.
The kids all woke up angry too. I wonder if we're all sort of feeding off this sort of underlying resentment. I wonder if all five of us feel jealous of the Army. Maybe. We hate when he goes away. We hate being away from him. Truthfully it sort of dominates our lives, and if we don't resist it, the urge to be consumed by his impending absence (or current absence) can cause of to be miserable.
Learn to be content. Cherish the moments. Those are two things that I have always held dear to my heart. The vast majority of the time I revel in them and I lean on them. Constantly, I lean on my God and my Creator to keep me functioning. There are a great many days when every fiber of my being wants to just surrender to the misery that is constantly knocking on my mind's door.
You see, block leave was both devastating and amazing at the same time. It was devastating because my damn body is beginning to really piss me off. It was amazing because Chief was (and is) every bit of the man I need him to be: supportive, concerned, encouraging, helpful, gracious, compassionate. He got up with our kids almost every single morning of block leave. He made lunches, helped homeschool, helped me and on and on. He is the epitome of a servant's heart. In fact, I don't believe I've ever seen a person who more perfectly exhibits the servant's heart than him. That's why I can say with complete certainty that he is the greatest leader. To lead is to serve.
With every aspect of myself I want to be like him. I admire him that much. I want to love like he loves and give like he gives. He is so much more than my hero. He is the person who shows me what God looks like. He doesn't preach it, he doesn't speak it, he doesn't force it. He just shows it. Man, I want to be like that.
So this morning... The kids were all screaming at each other. I found myself wanting to throw in the towel on the day. So I called all of them in my room. We read the scriptural readings today and then we prayed together. Yesterday at Mass, there were two things that sort of sucker punched me: 1. Stop wanting to be someplace other than where you are. God has you here for a reason. and 2. Pray. Pray all the time. Pray about everything. Pray!
After we prayed, we talked about a few things and then started our day. And here I sit feeling different. I feel more energized. I feel excited. I feel compelled to give out to other people. I feel like this self centered focus that has been dominating my frustrated mind is fading away. I feel renewed.
Maybe my love gauge is filling back up. Maybe it was depleted. Maybe life sucked too much of it out of me and I didn't have anything left to give.
I say all the time that Chief helps me to function and I'm fairly certain that no one really believes that. I think they see my externally dominant personality and they think that no person and no situation will ever be what I need. Not even close. I'm lost without that man. I'm depressed, unhappy, angry, helpless. I am weak. So being with him is my favorite place to be. Being with him is what I always want to do. I'd rather be with him than anyone else. My idea of a relaxing day is being alone with him. My version of the perfect day is a day alone with him. Period. It's always been that way. When I'm stressed, I don't want to go be with the "girls" I want to be with him! I want to be with him minus the children, the cell phones, the busyness that tangles and strangles us both.
I love the Army. I love that he has a job. I love that we can feed our children. I love that we have insurance, and a home and food. I love that he has a job which pays him to spend 30 days at home with his family. I love that he gets major holidays off (most of the time). I love that he knows how to handle a weapon, and can wake up from the deepest of sleeps when I'm scared, fully alert and ready to fight. So if sharing him is what helps to have these things, then share him I will do. And if sharing him reminds my heart that I love him this much, then share away I will.
So all of this confusing banter to essentially say that block leave is over. We are heading back to "normal" life. At least, normal for us! :)
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