ugly

It has been a hard night. This evening I have felt ugly. I'm not talking ugly in the physical sense, I'm talking ugly in the emotional sense. I have just FELT ugly. I haven't felt loving, or silly, or kind. Instead I've felt withdrawn and irritable, and annoyed: ugly. I guess I'd have to say my level of emotional ugliness started with the dog. She peed. On the floor. Also pooped. Twice. For NO reason. She's not sick. She had just come in from outside on both occasions. I think she simply just felt like upsetting me. Now, now. Don't shake your head at me and say that dogs aren't like that. You simply do not know this dog. She has an attitude bigger than I have ever imagined. Heaven forbid you should put her in her dog crate. If you do, she will make you pay. She's just that way.
After what I can only irritatingly call foofee gate, my children ALL peed in their clothes, on the floor, knocked their toddler potties full of fresh waste on the floor, spilled my milk on the couch, and made mess after mess after mess. I know that they're kids and that accidents happen. I wasn't angry at them. I was angry with the situation. I could feel my blood pressure starting to rise with each "incident" until I finally said to the kids: "Kids. I need you to go to your room. I am upset. I will come and get you when I calm down." So off they went. To be honest, at the time I didn't notice how nice it was that they actually complied. I was too upset to notice they did what I asked without an argument. Only now that I am writing this do I see how sweet that gift was.
As the night wore on, I found myself counting down the minutes until bedtime. I hate when I do that. I hate hearing those mothers whine and complain about their children. It seriously gets under my skin. I'm not naive, kids get on nerves. It just happens. But there are those mothers who constantly go on and on about how annoying their kids are, and how much they can't wait for their kids to go to bed, or whatever else they dislike. My perspective is this: you decided to have them, so get over it! I normally am not counting down for the kids to go to bed. I love being with my children. They have ways of making me laugh in almost all circumstances. I am so thankful to God for them. But today, I just wanted to be alone. Now as I sit here, they're all in bed, and I'm missing them. I didn't enjoy them tonight. They laughed and giggled and danced and sang, and I did not participate because I was feeling ugly. Those are moments that I can never repeat, and never bring back. They're gone, and I chose not to appreciate them.
I guess my point is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't engage, didn't participate, didn't dance and laugh and sing and giggle. Even ONE night of not doing those things is important. My children know that I love them, and of course they were taken care of tonight. My heart just wasn't in the good stuff. I am sorry that I wasted my night wanting what I couldn't have: my husband here. I am sorry that instead of enjoying the gift our children, I curled up on the couch. I am thankful that tomorrow I get another chance to enjoy them. I am glad that I get another day of silliness and laughing with them.