reflection

It is almost the end of our year long, what feels like ten thousandth, deployment. As I reflect back on the past year, I am struck by how differently I feel... how different my perception is.
I love my husband. I know it's the hugely stereotypical, sentimental thing for army wives to say when their husband's are gone. But in my heart, it exceeds my human capabilities. I love him deeper and more than I am humanly capable of. I love him almost more than I love myself. I wish I could say with complete honesty that I love him more than myself, but lets face it: that's exceptionally difficult to do. But I could sincerely say that I love him more than I have known myself to be able to love anyone. I love him, as much as I love myself.
I believe that so few people have seen the man that is in him. So few people have seen the way that the Light shines out from him. So few people have experienced the depth that is in him. He continues to surprise me and amaze me, even after having known him and loved him for over nine years. I love learning about him. I love hearing him. I love watching him.
Now before you get all nervous like I'm some love stalker...I mean watching him through the webcam on Skype.
I'm sure by now you're going...look lady...you started off this post reflecting on the past year, and now you've apparently dived right in to some love sonata to your husband...Where's the reflection!? To you I would say, yes. I got side tracked, and I apologize.
This past year I have learned more about loving God. I am still a work in progress. In no way would I sit here and tell you that I've got the monopoly on Jesus knowledge or point fingers to myself as some wonderful example of Him. I am a terrible "Christian". I put quotation marks around the word Christian, because I much prefer to call myself a Christ lover, than Christian. I think Christians today are stagnated and finding themselves immersed in religiosity much more so than a love and adoration of Christ. Not that I'm judging. Just observing. I have learned more about freedom than I could ever understand.
You might be sitting there going, please explain to me where you get freedom and Christ, and how you put those two together in one paragraph. To you I would gladly respond: It's because there is no such thing as freedom WITHOUT Christ. You are permanently attached to something. Always. You are NEVER completely freed from anything. You're always either wrong or right, or wrong and right at the same time, or loving, hating, annoying, being annoyed, attached, aloof, awake, asleep. You are always connected. And don't think because you're sad or frustrated with life and completely immersed in some melodrama that exempts you from the laws of physics. Until you die, you are permanently attached to SOMETHING in this world. Your choice lies in this: to what do you attach yourself? Or maybe the better way to word it, is to WHOM are you attached? Everything walking the face, or growing on the face of, or residing on the face of this planet will one day let you down. People will hurt you, television will have power outages (or signal outages), technology breaks, people don't answer the phone, pain just comes. But Jesus Christ will NEVER hurt you. He will never wake up some Monday morning in a sour mood and snap at you and tell you that you really look like trash. He will never not embrace you when given the chance. He will never ignore your requests for attention. Instead he will always trust, always hope, always persevere. He is always patient, and kind. He always rejoices with the truth. He NEVER fails. And where there are words, they will be silenced. Where there are miracles, they will end. Where there is action, it will be stilled. Where there is rain and fog, it will pass away. But He WILL remain.
So as I reflect on my past year...I suppose the greatest difference that I can see in me, is Him. A year ago I was focused on myself: fighting for myself, defending myself, taking care of myself. And now..I think I'm less focused on myself, and more focused on Him. I hope to tell you next year that has changed even more. I hope to even more deeply in love with Christ.
So how does all this connect with that mushy stuff I said about my husband? The more I love Christ, the more I love my husband. The more I love Christ, the more my heart softens and molds and melts in to my husband. And the less I fear rejection, abandonment, or heartache. The more free I am to love others.