I am not really sure how to begin this post. I do not have some catchy one liner or some silly story to tell. My heart is filled with emotion. My spirit is aching and hungry and yet filled at the same time. I am afraid of my self.
2 Peter 1.5-11 reads like this: "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you."
You might be sitting there wondering, why is this chick afraid of her self and then putting a bunch of Bible verses up here in front of my face? I am afraid of myself, because these verses FORCE a giant mirror to be held up in front of myself.... Am I doing these things in increasing ways? Am I being diligent to make certain about His calling and CHOOSING me!? Am I practicing these things?
Practicing is such a tricky word, especially in our society today. We seem to consider an active passion of anything "religious" to be "ridiculous" or "closed minded." We have such an attitude that a DEEP passion for Jesus Christ means we are filled with hatred and judgmentalism. Where do these perspectives come from? How do I contribute to the perspective that people have of Christ? Am I of the heart of obedience? Do I listen with a firm ear to the guidance that the Holy Spirit gives me? Am I QUICK to obey, and slow to question?
I have been learning a hard lesson this past week: to obey the Holy Spirit. You see, I have discovered recently that while I passionately am growing in my love and adoration for Christ and God the Father, I have completely forgotten about this HUGE power that has been poured in to me: the Holy Spirit. I have forgotten about the Holy Spirit's power, diligence, leadership, direction. I have not listened to the Holy Spirit's leading in my heart. I have not tuned my ears to God's direction. So He's been taking me on this little journey: do this, go here, finish this, write that, BE silent...All these baby steps in teaching me to hear His voice and obey.
I was asked this week, "How do you know it's God's direction and not satan?" I answered that question by stating that God is ALWAYS bigger than satan. And that nothing satan can propose or try to make happen can thwart or change the plans of God. But this week, the Holy Spirit led me to some beautiful verses: John 10.27-29 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand."
I love how these verses are SO clear. When you are God's, you KNOW His voice. You don't question, you don't wonder, you don't worry...you KNOW. This kicks right back to those words that made me afraid of my self in the beginning of this post: I am certain of His calling and choosing me, by applying ALL DILIGENCE to my faith, moral excellence, knowledge, self control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. All diligence means ALL PASSION. Am I putting forth PASSION to do these things that God has commanded me? Do I find the peace and assurance of salvation from these things?
This question has led me to ask another one: in WHAT do I put my passion? What does passion look like for me? Am I a passionate wife? Am I a passionate mother? Daughter? Sister? Friend? I am clearly not an athlete, so I can't say I'm passionate about a sport. Am I passionate about singing, writing, eating? Where do I place my passion? I have to be honest with you, it certainly hasn't been in doing all of those beautiful things that God laid out for me in 2 Peter.
My heart feels broken. I feel sad. I desperately want Christ to meet me at His gates with a huge grin on His face and a big party hat and maybe one of those noise maker things with confetti and maybe some music and be like, WOOHOOOO!
You see I am learning more and more, that Christianity isn't easy. It isn't a cake walk, and something I can just casually skim over. I am learning about the level of depth and hard work that is required. Don't get me wrong, I am anxious and eager to grow and change and be an even clearer reflection of Jesus Christ. But I have to be honest, and confess, that I WANT to be liked. I struggle deeply with not wanting to be hated. And Christ makes it very clear that the more I look like Him, the more the world will hate me, because they first hated Him.
My heart aches for Christ. And I fear my sinful nature. I fear my selfishness and my stupidity and immaturity. I fear my blindness. I fear my short sightedness. I fear my heart and head forgetting about the ETERNAL nature that is in store. I pray that God will never let me forget the calling and choosing that He has given to me.
This post feels so heavy. It isn't cheery and chipper and fun and silly. The Bible says I will be known to be His, by my fruit. I am compelled to ask myself...what fruit have I grown?
I feel the only way to close out this post is with a worship song that my heart adores. I am currently listening to it as I write this post. I will leave you with the words to the song.
Deep in Love with You
Sitting at Your feet is where I want to be
I'm home when I am here with You
Ruined by Your grace, enamored by Your gaze
I can't resist the tenderness in You
I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart, it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You Lord
Humbled and amazed that You would call my name
I never have to search again
There's a deep desire that's burning like a fire
To know You as my closest friend
Lord, my redeemer, Your blood runs through my veins
My love for You is deeper than it was yesterday
I enter through the curtain, parted by Your grace
Oh, Your the lover of my soul
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