welcome to

Yesterday was a horrible day. It was one of those days when everything is going wrong and every time the phone rings it's something awful. One of those specifically horrible/awful things is my grandfather. He is dying. Not in the, we're-all-dying sort of way, but in the it's-his-last-days kind of way. It came like a sucker punch... I mean, really it did. My grandfather is old, and he's been telling me for years that he wants to die, etc etc. But today was not the day I expected it. I feel so lost, so confused and in so much pain. My grandfather is not a believer. He believes that religion is for the weak minded, and though I have tried to share my faith with him, he has consistently rejected it. Now I sit here thinking, what can I do? What can I say? How can I find his up and coming death joyful? It is complete hell for me. All night last night I tossed and turned and prayed that God would give me wisdom, give me words, to reach his hardened heart.
I love my grandfather. I love him deeply and passionately. I have been very close to him for the last ten years or so. I have never found him intimidating and I've always been willing to tell him when he was being screwed up. He told me once that he's always admired my convictions, and that he knows I'll tell him when he's wrong. I think he admires people who aren't afraid. Truthfully...so do I. But in this strange way...I am completely afraid.
I am feeling so many angry feelings. I recognize that it comes from a helpless place. I can do nothing but sit here and wait. It really sucks.
Today I am struggling with saying God is good. I know that as a believer that statement should roll off my tongue like the word the. It shouldn't be a challenge or a difficult thing to express, it should just pour out. But today....
I was up all night with one of my children. She had a high fever and nothing else. She just kept crying for her daddy. I'm guessing it was stress fever. But because of the fever, it brought on an asthma attack and I had to keep giving her breathing treatments every two hours. She's fine this morning, still a bit of wheezing, but that's residual from the asthma stuff. But I was so angry. I was laying there with this child, that I love, that I would do anything for, and I just kept thinking, what kind of screwed up timing is this? She wanted her daddy. I don't know if it just took her a bunch of days to realize he wasn't coming back any time soon, or if having the random fever, sparked some sort of longing in her...I don't know. When she gets afraid in the night, her dad is usually the one that cuddles her. It's one of his amazing attributes. I'm not very physically affectionate, and it's his favorite thing to do.
My thoughts are all jumbled up in a big ball of emotions. Fatigue is pretty strong in me today. I am tired. I'm emotionally tired, and physically tired. My spirit is in need. I am listening to worship music right now. Not necessarily because I want to worship, but because I need to. Or maybe a better way to explain it is to say I need the music to speak to me. I need it to lift me up and encourage me. I need it to fill me up and bring me peace.
Isn't it true that in times of helplessness, all we can do is look up? I love how Psalm 16 puts it: ¹ Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
² I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.".
I need some refuge. I really, really do.