I'm not good with words anymore. I used to be. It was sort of my specialty. I used to know what to say when to say and to whom it needed to be said. I used to be able to have a sense about things. I feel like my brain is clouded with static. I am tired and I'm angry and I'm supportive and I'm frustrated and I'm in love. And sometimes I hate that I love you. There. I said it. Sometimes I hate that I love you. And now I'm a horrible wife and a completely unsupportive woman. I hate looking for you everywhere I go. Or listening for you coming in the door, or pretending like you're next to me in bed. I hate that you left. I hate it. I hate that you reenlisted, and I hate that you left me all alone. I know it's screwed up. And it's a horrible dichotomy and a completely frustrating experience, because in the exact same burst of emotion that hates and resents, I feel the complete opposite: proud, and in awe, and grateful, and joyful. This is what you do to me. I hate that without you here I feel lost. And I hate people telling me that I shouldn't feel that way. That my sense of value and purpose is in Christ not you. They don't understand what I'm getting at. I need you. I don't need you to breathe, or to make my heart beat, I need you to smile. I need you to laugh. I need you to sleep peacefully. I need you to make it okay for me to cry. I need you to cuddle me and hold me. I feel broken. I feel like someone jumped inside of me and screwed up my brain and I'm just on cruise control. Unable to move myself, my brain is forcing me to move forward. And I don't want to move. I want to just freeze. I am so scared babe. I am more scared that you can even begin to imagine. I'm not scared that you'll die. Honestly. I swear. I'm scared you'll come back like you did last time. I'm scared you'll say horrible hurtful excrutiating things to me. I'm scared you won't love me, won't hate me, won't feel anything but rage. I'm scared you'll be violent again. I know the religious arguments. I know that God "cured" you once and He can do it again and so on so forth. I just don't know if I can do it.
I realize the very notion of my anxiety is foolish. I know that ultimately your fate is out of my control. I also know that the unity between you and I is deeper than any we have ever seen. It's beyond affection and love...it's impossible to verbalize or explain. Your are my heart's greatest passion. My life's greatest earthly love. On a scale unimaginable even to me. I did not believe it was possible to love someone this much, and to be loved this much in return.
I am fierce, ferocious, opinionated, passionate, spicy, and a thousand other words and yet you love them all. You are the only one strong enough to be my man. And I miss you. I miss you more than that stupid word "miss" can even begin to explain. Frankly this is very overwhelming... this idea of 359 more days... I know I have to take it one day at a time. You know what I'm saddest about? I don't get to go on this journey with you, and you don't get to go on mine with me. We both are forced geographically to endure our journey's "alone". The only way that we can ensure we continue to grow together is through Christ. Christ is with each of us, uniting us, on our lonely roads. I hope your day is wonderful. I know your day has begun already, while mine is coming to its close. I miss your big brown eyes.
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