You've just spent a year fighting in the dust, the heat, the filth. Now you’re home. And you have no idea what you're walking in to. Your children haven't been around you in a year. Your spouse has been virtually single while you were gone. You have no idea what to expect. Will you still find her attractive? How are you going to answer any questions she might have about what you've done...what you've seen?
You don't even know where to begin, or how to even process your experiences. You've lost friends; you've been shot at. You've come close to losing your own life. You want to protect your family, and perhaps, protect yourself, by ignoring it.
So you push away all the thoughts and images that fill your head. But at night, when everything is silent, the images creep in. Maybe you awaken from a dream, and find yourself reaching for your weapon. Or maybe a certain smell makes you start to look intently at your surroundings, for anywhere there might be an IED. You hate it. Damn war.
You have several options in front of you. Drink until you can't even remember that you've ever been to the Middle East; push everyone away that matters to you; hate the army; or pretend like your deployment never happened in the first place. You're tough, after all, right? You're a soldier. No opportunities for "weakness" or dread.
Maybe you simply want to know how to relate to your family again. You have changed and so has she. The experiences that you've had have altered you. You don't look at life the same way anymore. How do you tell your wife that you're not the same guy you were before you left? How could she ever understand what you've gone through? Honey, she understands more than you think.
During the year that you were gone, your wife fended for herself. She cared for your house, your cars, your lawn, your children, all on her own. She worried constantly, about your safety and whether or not you were "okay". Even now that you're home, she's still worrying that you'll feel loved, wanted, and accepted. She's worrying about whether or not you're going to be okay in the aftermath of what you've seen.
The best way to reunite with your spouse is to recognize that you fought this war together. Perhaps you saw the nightmares physically, but she dreamt them in her dreams. Perhaps you were in the heat and filth, but she prayed and carried you in her thoughts to a beautiful and serene place. She's the one who waited, hoped, persevered right along side of you. I know you feel like she could never possibly understand what you've experienced. I know you probably feel more alone in this moment than you ever have before in your whole life...but so does she. She's just as angry, exhausted, and frustrated as you are. Most of us military wives would never say this. Most of us want to be strong for you. We want to help you find some sort of peace in your mind and in your current reality. This is just our way of picking up our weapons and carrying on the fight now that you're home.
Keep in mind that this does not give you license to ignore us, or reject us. We still need you. We need to know that you're in this with us. Despite what you may be feeling or thinking, your wife can support you in more ways than you realize. Sometimes, the most difficult, yet helpful, thing to do, is to say how hard your deployment really was. Talk about it openly and frankly. Share how sad you were to lose your friend. Maybe share what it felt like to be surrounded by death. Find your own ways to bring her into your experience. The more that you can open up, the closer you will become. It will bridge the gaps in time and distance, and help reunite you as a unit again. She will be able to feel what you felt, and you will have the comfort of your wife being there for you.
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