My husband left for Iraq yesterday. This is his fourth time to the middle east. I don't even know where to begin in all of my emotionalness. I barely slept the night before he left. I probably got about two hours of sleep. I woke up about six, so that I could be with him a little more. I did my quiet time, and I poured out my heart begging God, asking God, to PLEASE give me strength. The morning was very somber. My lobster woke up the children and fed them breakfast. We wrapped up things at home and then headed over to post to drop him off. Both he and I cried the whole way there. When it was time for him to go, my oldest started crying hysterically and said, "Why is daddy walking away!? Why is daddy not staying with us?! He needs to get in the car! He needs to come back! I need my daddy!" I told her that daddy had to go on his trip and that he loves her and will miss her. I told her that we would send him packages, and letters and pictures, and that he'll call us. I told her that daddy didn't want to go, but that he has to. Then she just started screaming for me to get her out of there. That she couldn't watch. She needed to get out of there. So I left. And I was crying so hard. Crying for myself, crying for my children, crying for my husband.
I was finally able to calm my oldest down, and bring her some comfort. My lobster wanted me to bring her to the "family time" that was going to occur later in the day, but after seeing her get so upset, I decided that it would be too hard for her. He still had his cell phone and when I called him, he agreed.
I fed the kids lunch, and then put them all down for their naps. The sitter arrived just after then, and my friend Anny and I left to go to the "family time". We sat at Biggs Gym for an hour waiting for them to come. They were an hour late for our time together. Because of this, what was supposed to be two hours together, ended up being one. But, in this life, you sort of get used to these things happening. But I will say, though I'm used to it, they don't make me any less angry.
My husband and I cuddled and kissed and sat and talked with each other. He told me how much he loved me and how I was his best friend. We cried. And it hurt so much to see him cry. I told him everything that I wanted him to know. I gave him his going away packet. We sat together and opened the first parts of it. He saw the pictures of the kids' hand prints and footprints. He saw the pictures that all of the children had drawn for him. He looked at the journal that I gave to him, and the pictures of our families that I put in there. He looked at the list that our oldest wrote for him of the "Things I love about Daddy". I think he cried through the whole experience of looking at it. He read his "day 1" letter from me.
We just enjoyed each other. I tried to memorize his smell and his warmth and his scratchy cheeks. I tried to soak it in. Then the announcement came that it was time to go. And I broke. I started feeling dizzy and faint. We held each other and then he walked off. I was crying so hard. Then all of a sudden he came back and said, "Will you please come outside with me?" and of course I did! We walked out together hand in hand. He had all of his stuff on him. He side arm, his weapon, his backpack (well, it's called something else, but that's basically what it is), and his briefcase. We got outside in the sunlight and the wind, and we just held each other. I held him so tight as if it would prevent him from having to go. But I knew eventually I would have to let go. He kissed me again and told me he loved me. We both said "I'll be seeing you" (we don't say "goodbye". We never have in moments like these), and then he walked off into the formation. Anny and I stood outside together watching them get on the busses to go to the airfield. Then she and I left so that we could get over to the airfield to watch them drive by. We were the only wives there as they pulled up. Anny and I stood outside, and both Rich (Anny's husband) and my husband saw us and waved. I was really glad. It gave me a sense of joy.
Anny and I stopped at McDonald's on the way home. Neither of us were in a frame of mind to be cooking or making meals for our children. We sat and talked together for a while, and then Anny had to go home. Just before she left, my lobster text messaged me and told me that he loved me. It made me start to cry.
About twenty minutes after Anny left, I went into my son's room to change the babies' diapers, and then the wave of agony hit me. I think I've never cried so hard in my life. I mean, it was ugly. It was nothing but raw emotion. There was no words. I just kept crying out "I miss your daddy". I couldn't stop. It was the only sound that could make any sense to explain to my children why their mother was so upset. I somehow managed to change diapers in the midst of this emotional wave. I came out to my living room and I called my friend Koria. I knew she would understand. She said "Hello" and I don't remember saying anything, but crying, except that she told me I said "hello". About fifteen seconds after we got on the phone, my mom called, so I talked to her for a bit. Or rather, cried hysterically, while she sat on the phone and tried to be supportive. She just told me I needed to grieve. And she's right. I need to grieve. I am in so much emotional agony. I am so heartbroken. I am going to be without my heart, my love, my best friend, my confidant, my partner, my soul mate, my comfort for so many days. And it just overwhelms me when I think about it. My mom reminded me to break it down into the whole "one day at a time" thing. Which is true. But last night, I was not there. I was overwhelmed. I was defeated. My mom had to go, so I called Koria back again. She finally helped me calm down. She just listened and talked and distracted me. She always seems to know what I need without me having to tell her.
When Koria and I got off the phone it was time for the kids to go to bed. So I changed their diapers again, brushed their teeth, and then we settled in front of the TV to watch the bed time videos that their dad had made (stories and prayers). My youngest started crying hysterically when it came on. I did my best to console her, and then I put each child to bed. My husband gave each of them "daddy dolls" to comfort and hold in the night. They gave their daddy dolls kisses goodnight and then settled in. My oldest watched her video and then she went to bed.
This was when I was really afraid the agony would come. On a normal day, when the kids are in bed is when the hubster and I spend time together. I was terrified that I would walk out to an empty living room and break again, but it didn't happen. I don't know if it was because I was so dehydrated, or if it was because I was so exhausted. I don't know. I went in my room and wrote my lobster a letter. I don't remember what I said, and I'm not even sure if it made sense. I settled in to watch som Friends. I was hoping it would make me laugh some so that I would be able to sleep. Just a few seconds after I turned it on, the lobster called. We literally talked for five minutes. He prayed with me, and it gave me immense comfort. I cried for just a few seconds. I felt peace and joy at just hearing his voice. After that I went to sleep.
The night was strange. I woke up at midnight when my mom called to check on me. Then I woke up again at about five to some strange man ringing my doorbell. Of course I refused to open the door, but I shouted through the front door "What do you want?" then he mumbled something and walked off. I don't know if he was drunk, or went unknowingly to the wrong house, but he left after that. Normally, an incidence like that would terrify me, but it didn't. I know that this was solely and only because of Heavenly peace. I went back to bed, and woke up at eight to start my day.
So here it is. It hasn't even been twenty four hours. I'm still emotional, I'm still so sad. But I know that he loves me. And he knows that I love him. And somehow, the minutes will turn in to hours, the hours in to days, the days in to weeks, the weeks in to months, and then this deployment will be over. So for now...I just need to get through this day.
No comments:
Post a Comment