Zero

"I hope you don't give up on all of your dreams. I hope you don't forget your potential." I stumbled across these words from my Grandpa a few weeks back. He was writing to me after I'd just become a Mom to my oldest. I walked away from a lot of goals, as I embarked on that journey. It was a clearly defined fork for me: one way or the other. 

I have always been "all in" America. I don't have a dividable heart. I'm either magnificently obsessed or not at all. 

My life has been a series of choices. Almost none of them have turned out the way I imagined. Thank God. 

I chose to leave my family, my friends, and move across the country to this tiny little private college smack dab in the middle of snowmageddon. Choices.

Marriage was not on my radar. I didn't believe in love or magic or fantastic gifts beyond Salvation. I didn't believe beautiful things would happen in my life. I can't pinpoint why I had that opinion, other than to say that I did. And then he came... I chose his life of uncertainty, lack of control, and insanity. It might have taken me a while to jump off that cliff, but man oh man how I have loved the fall.

I chose my child over myself. This is no way to say that she owes me a golly darn anything, America. She doesn't. It was my gift, my sacrifice, my heart, with strings unattached. I chose to give her my best, not because there were no other ways to do it (and not to criticize the way that anyone else does it either), but Chief and I chose to bring her in to this world, and I chose to give her me, in whatever best way I could. 

I want to be clear, America, I have zero regrets. Every choice that I've made was filled with deep fear and trepidation. Every single circumstance has been filled with a plethora of unexpectedness and unpredictable outcomes. Every single moment has been worth it. 

I have lived a magnificent life. I have loved a magnificent man. I have born magnificent children. I have been given magnificent gifts. I have zero regrets. My life is better than I could have imagined it to be. Hurts, scars, bruises, kisses and all. 

America, I wish this for you: live with no regrets. Adore the life you have.