Today

The wind is gently blowing through the trees. They are slowly transitioning from a deep, dark green, to lime green. They are getting ready to go to sleep. Fall is rounding the bend, and coming upon us.

I spend a lot of time looking at these trees. I think they have become a sort of addiction after so many years in the desert. I love green. I love life. I love freshness. I love lots of different colors. I do not take the ability to see these things in front of me for granted.

Sometimes life feels monotonous. The changes are slow and subtle. Some days it feels like everything is always the same: get up, make breakfast, teach school, clean this/that, train up children, navigate arguments, talk, talk talk. There are moments where I feel trapped - stuck in the cycle of boredom, feeling drained, but not useful at the same time... like an evergreen: always standing, always the same, never changing.

Growth is super slow. Raising children is super slow. It's only when reflecting backwards that it seems fast. When I remember the moments holding my oldest as a baby, I can see how quickly it's all blown away in hindsight. Parenting feels slow in the day-to-day, but overall flies at supersonic speed.

I know I will carry these moments with my children, forever. I will reflect back on these days and think of how much I adore them. I will long for them when my children are grown up and raising their own children. I will ache for the noises my children are making. My ears will hunger for the arguments, the laughter, the endless "pew-pew" sounds of my son... The silence, that will one day befall on my house, will haunt me and pierce me to my core.

I know this is ahead of me. I work hard to be present in the now. I work hard to revel in each discovery, each "new" experience, each change. I focus my eyes on the growth, the transformations, the challenges, so that I don't feel trapped in my circumstance. They're subtle, but they're there.

This is hard work, but for me, almost all beautiful things are.

The weight of the task is huge. Four little lives... four Spirits, four hearts, four minds, four people... The consequences are eternal. They deserve my absolute best, my complete and undivided attention. They deserve my love, my focus, my attention, my passion. They deserve my compassion, my hard work, my work-a-holic mentality. They are priceless!

I wonder some times, at which point they will read this blog. I wonder the thoughts that will flow through their brains. I wonder if this will help to understand me in a way they possibly never did before. I wonder if it will help them to heal from any hurts I may have caused them over the years. I hope they will always walk away with this message: come what may, they are worth everything to me. They are worth the sacrifice of a paid career. They are worth me not chasing my own personal ambitions. They are worth every meal, every early morning, every "monotonous" moment. They are worth all of the slow days and all of the fast ones. They are worth every frustrating day, and every smooth sailing one. I would do this all over again any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I regret nothing.

I'm sitting here, watching the wind blow through the trees. They're slowly changing colors, getting ready to go to sleep. In a few weeks, they'll look completely different from how they look today. I am thankful for the ability to recognize that, and enjoy them today.