Me

I confess to you, America, that I spent a LOT of months, not praying. Well, not in a personal sense. God and I had a serious disagreement. For those of you who I am very close to, you know all about it. I was devastated and broken. I lost hope. It was fierce and ugly and powerful. It changed me.

Recently I've been attempting to tackle the concept of prayer. I feel like it's morphed, more recently, in to this BS notion of running to a genie in a bottle and expecting to get everything you ask for. Cue the whole "make all of your requests make known to God" bible verse. The problem with that view, is that there are an awful lot of people whose prayers are never "answered". There are so many people who never get miracles or have their passionate pleas heard. There are also a LOT of people who never pray, but do.

I started wondering whether or not could potentially care about whether or not I find that bottle of XYZ that I've been looking for at the grocery store, when so many people in the world are starving. How can God genuinely be focused on me wanting XYZ shoes (please God! I need these shoes!), when people are going barefoot, and begging God for a pair of shoes so that they can go to school. What kind of "loving god" would seriously not be disgusted with those requests from me? What kind of loving God would not be enraged by my complete and utter lack of thought, care, concern for my fellow man, and determine to close His ears to every single one of my stupid pleas until I get my heart right?

Why don't we teach each other to pray about suffering, and how we can end it? Why don't we challenge our selves and our children to pray without ceasing over the women who are raped and tortured simply because they exist? Why don't we weep and mourn and grieve about the children who have no food, no shelter, no clothing, no love! Why are we so far removed from a personal connection to the suffering of people around us? Why are we irritated when homeless people ask us for money/food/water? Why am I?

I battle with a toddler mentality, America. It is mine so you can't HAVE IT! What makes that view even worse, is that I am willing to bend over backwards to ease the discomfort of those around me who are living such comfortable existences. Oh! Susie Q is SO stressed out because she put all over her children in eighteen thousand activities, and she leads the this and the that, and she volunteers for the this and the that, and now she's asked me to lead the this or the that because she just "doesn't have the time"! But HOW DARE a homeless person ask me for my water bottle! See the disconnect? (side note: this is not to say I should not help "Susie Q", but rather to point out the difference in priorities.)

Perhaps the purpose of prayer is not so much about a genie in the bottle who grants wishes and makes people fit, fabulous and wealthy, but rather so that I will see God in the little things of every day life. Maybe prayer isn't so much about requests and gifts, but about eyes becoming more open to goodness, love, mercy, and genuine need. Perhaps the point of it is to show us how to love those who ask us for water, or "intrude" upon our daily paths. Maybe prayer is about changing us to see how foolish it is to focus on increasing our bounty, when we should pour out our abundant wealth on those around us.

Forgive me, America, if I come across as judgmental to your heart. I'm not judging you, I'm judging me. I'm judging myself for wearing this hat of Christian and Catholic, without being the heart of it. I'm also learning. I'm learning about how much my heart needs a transformation, and how greatly I should be broken by the suffering in the world.