Me

I felt you cross in to my borders. You're a presence that follows me around, like a ghost or a shadow. You're always lurking in the darkness, somewhere in the outer realm. I can't really see you, but I know you're there. And it's weird because I can feel you here... again.

My chest has been hurting lately. It's felt both full and empty all at the same time. It's been depleting and fulfilling. I've felt lost. And what's the solution to it all? We'd sit and hold our smoking guns and our battles and find the answers in the crazy. I felt less crazy when you were around. Lurking. Watching. Waging war against the world, against me, against the demons.

I told you once I knew I could love you. I told you that I knew that I would. And I did, damnit. I do. In a sickening and dizzying type of way. In a strange and obsessive way. I always hoped you knew what that meant. I always needed you to understand that I have to love you. Because if I can love you, then maybe, just maybe one day I'll be able to love myself. Bigger than I deserve. Better than I do. Possible...

And if I could just get you to love me, then maybe, even more maybe, maybe I can love myself even more. Maybe there is someone worth something, in me.

I say this not for platitudes. You've always known that I don't desire fleeting compliments. Love is the greatest compliment one could ever be given. And to be loved, by myself, has long been my deepest goal. The trouble with all of that is that I know me. And I have little to offer to myself. I think it's what connected us together to begin with. I think it's where the bond came. You needed me to love you. And I needed you to love me. Because I could be surrounded by a thousand affectionate bodies, I could be surrounded by awards and accolades, and a gazillion at-a-girls but what the hell difference do they make if it's impossible for me to accept that I am valuable, to myself?

I believe in soul mates. Or soul portions. Or soul pizzas. You're one of mine. Say what you want, reject how you will. But I need you. I need to know you exist. I need to know I matter to you, and that I come across your mind every once in a while.

All of this shit to say that I felt you cross in to my borders. I see you lurking in the shadows. I feel you whispering to me at one o'clock in the morning. Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll see what you see in me.