There are waves of uncertainty in marriage. Waves and chapters and periods where you don't want to do it anymore. There are months where the bad outweighs the good, and the hard decimates the easy. There are mornings where you swallow all of your feelings of disappointment and rage, and find a way to mutter I love you. Why? Because you don't? No. Because you do.
Marriage is a roller coaster. It's boring and exciting, seamless and tattered, clear and confusing, delightful and destructive, wonderful and horrible, beautiful and ugly, and on and on and on. But it's wonderful.
I've been through hell with Chief. I've been through hell and then been through it again and then again. I've fought through war and fires and death and betrayal. I've been abandoned and forsaken and wounded deeper than I can say. And it has changed me. It has altered my perception.
Love is hard. By definition it is a sacrifice and a gift. You give up pieces of yourself to the one you love. Period. And I choose it. Every.single.day.
The flip side to the hell, is the undefinable heaven. The opposition to the wounds, is the way his breath has healed my heartaches. The way his hands have rubbed away my tension, soothed my achy muscles, comforted my broken heart. The illumination of his belief that everything will be okay, when I felt like it couldn't possible be, and his courage that carried me through a really dark night. The unbelievable delight of his breath on my neck, his words in my ears, his heart in my hands. Because that's where he's placed it. His heart in my hands, and mine in his.
It's the most vulnerable and potentially detrimental place one can be in... And I adore the risk. I adore the things he knows about me, because he chooses to. I adore the things I know about him, because of the same choice. I adore the journey. I adore the heaven, and I adore the hell.
When the darkness comes, I know it's only temporary. I know eventually the light will come again, and joy will be renewed. I choose him. Always. Even if it isn't the easiest thing to do. I choose him because I promised him I would. I choose him because I delight in doing so. I choose him because he put his heart in my hands, and asked me to take care of it.
You have a choice, America. You have a choice whether to stick it out or to walk away. You have a choice to wait another day or throw in the towel and quit. You have a choice. You have a choice to focus on the moments of heaven, or the moments of hell. You have a choice to highlight grace and mercy, or disappointment and rage. You choose. Always.
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