Green Zone

I am incredibly secretive. I've had to come to terms with that. I do not bare my soul to very many people. In fact, I think there are maybe 3-4 people that I trust enough to do that with. I can't really say what has made them so unique to be considered in the green zone of that very well protected safe house. It's not like each of them have battled through things with me in any unique way. 

I have written before that I believe in soul mates. Maybe they are mine. Nevermind. Not "maybe". They are. They are my soul mates. They are the other halves of my heart and when I met them it was something that couldn't be denied. They just got me. And I got them. 

It's supernatural really. It has to be. Even though one of those mates of mine doesn't believe in God. Does it make me somewhat sad? Yes. Does it make them matter any less to me? No. Would I still give every aspect of myself that is humanly possible for them, if they needed it? Yes. 

Love is a crazy sort of mess. It's the greatest and most amazing experience on earth, but it's sloppy and insane and completely chaotic. It doesn't make any sort of logical sense. It fights, silent-treatments, curses, and adores, forgives, accepts, defends, forgets, "saps" out, laughs... Love is loyal. 

Marriage is the greatest display of love. It was the ultimate sacrifice of myself that I could give. To Chief, I gave my heart and my days. To our children, I gave my life. 

To my friends, I give my mind. To those handful of people in my green zone, I give this completely intense and illogical love that is beyond possible for me to describe. I have done everything I could to understand it, but I can't. I have tried to define it, but I'm left feeling like a deflated balloon. Dissatisfied, unfulfilled, after a million words expressed. 

Why these people care about me, I will never understand. What they see in me is impossible for me to know. It's so different from Chief. Chief loves me in that sappy, gooey, I-have-to-marry-you sort of way. But with them, that's different.

My fear is that they feel sorry for me. My fear is that they've somehow become attuned to how utterly helpless I am, and they have compassion for an individual who can seem so put together, but really be so completely lost. My fear is that they will feel me unworthy of their companionship. My insecurity is that one day they'll reject me. Or mistrust me. Or see me as an inconvenience.

Love shoved me into the 10 foot deep holes that they were in. Love sat me down in the mud and muck of their agony. Love shot fireworks into the sky when they succeeded or achieved a goal. Love brought happy tears to my eyes when they fell in love. Love made me argue when they were being stupid. Love made me angry when they were self degrading. Love brought up fists when people attacked them. Love pointed out when they needed to think differently. Love accepted when they didn't change. Love sat in the darkness with them until they found the light, or the door, or the tinniest glimmer of light. Love begged them to stop being self destructive. Love cared enough to try to make them happy. Love kept praying, even when they lost hope. Love never stopped believing, enduring, defending, supporting, and caring.