Liberty

There are probably a thousand moments every day when I look across at him and say to myself I can't do this anymore. I can't say goodbye. I can't let him go. I can't handle the sleepless nights and the anxiety of not knowing... I can't handle the ache in my soul when his side of the bed is empty. I can't handle life without him. The truth is, there is no "life" without him. He is my life. To all my feminist friends that statement probably just sent them into a panic attack. But I say to you, there are those loves that come... Those once in a lifetime, soul wrenching, life encompassing loves, that are so rare, so unique, and so magical that they really do become your life. There is no reality of separating myself from him. There is no line where I can say "this is him and this is me." It doesn't exist. The supernatural beauty of God's powerful grace superimposed the two of us together and we are, together, one life.

I believe in finding one thing in your freaking universe and doing it so well that no one can stand to look at it. I believe in fighting, kicking, and screaming to be so good at it that no one can look at you and say "wow... not doing so well there..." I believe that this man, this "life" is my one astronomical thing. It's my one thing that no human being can say "Wow, she really botched that one." It's my one thing that I will go to my grave knowing I gave it all, I fought the fight, I surrendered my demons, and I loved.

He is completely imperfect. I am a basket case of insanity. And in the muck and the craziness of a thousand people who look at us as individuals and think to themselves wow... you're NOT awesome, the two of us joined forces and became amazing. My panic, my terror, my lifetime of nightmares and trauma, came down to the embrace of one man who was strong enough to be the man I needed. He snuck into my sleep and he fought off those demons that haunted me. He showed me what love, beauty, and self respect were. He stood up for me because he knows I'm too weak to defend myself. He protects me from so many people who take advantage of my kindness.

He and I are not very good at too many things. We're not good at being friends, or "sociable" people. We're not good at keeping in touch, or going out of our way for others. We're not good at superficiality, or ass kissing, or pomp and circumstance. We aren't good at playing along with party lines and saying what people want us to say, or being charming. But we know. how. to. love. each. other. We know how to do it in a way that no one else does. I know that when the kids are driving him crazy and he's so angry, sometimes the one sentence he needs to hear is "You're a good daddy, babe." He knows that when my feelings are all over the map I need to talk about it, be irrational, cry hysterically, and then I'll go back to normal. We both know how to make each other laugh, and we do it all the time. I know that he feels loved when I take care of him, defend him, fight for him. He knows the same about me.

And there are a thousand moments in every day when I think to myself I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to share him. I don't want them to get to take him away... Because when they take him away, they take me away, and send me off to a place that I don't understand and that I don't enjoy. The world gets dark, and everything feels bizarre.

There are a thousand other moments where I say to myself I'm in this for the long haul. I know what I have and I'm not going anywhere...