It's a darkened room, lit only with candles. The faces are hard to make out until I start moving in closer. I walk around and begin to realize they are all there. Some of them familiar, some of them not. They are all looking at me. Talking about me. Murmuring about me. I immediately become self conscious. Why are they looking at me? What am I doing here? I spot some of my "trophies" huddled together: Chris, Cardamon, Sam... Each of them beautiful in their own unique ways. Each of them pinging a deep sense of regret and sadness into my heart. There are more boys there too, though none of them hold the same level of significance to the three...Henry, Caleb, Lukas, Mark, Aaron, Steve... Don't we all have a "steve" somewhere in our histories? Chad, Bryan, Ruben, and on and on and on. There are even some there whose faces I recall, but names I don't remember...
Each of them know something, anything, too much about me. I am distracted and uncomfortable. But also curious. Part of me delights, secretly, in this sadistic recollection of each piece of myself that I offered to them. My heart, my tears, my laughter, my trust, my lies, my insanity, my immaturity, my purity, my body...The three hold the highest regard in the aspect of each of those parts. The three held my heart the longest. The three changed me. Forever.
I begin to feel angry. As I tiptoe through the room trying to fade into the wallpaper, my gaze falls upon Him. There He is standing there. He's silent. Staring at me. I don't really feel all that guilty. I'm single. I'm free. I know He forgives me. What's the big deal? He focuses His stare at me for a long time. I stare right back, hiding my shame but determined to act confident. After what feels like ages, He points off in the darkness. The men separate. I can tell a figure is standing there, but I can't make out who it is. My parents? A friend? My self?
Slowly I start to walk forward. Something is pushing me towards that figure. Maybe this is the end of my life. Maybe all of these men are examples of how terrible I am. I start to question myself, and my outward confidence begins to fade.
The figure starts to take shape. It's a man. It's not someone I recognize. He is not very tall. I can see his shoes. They're black. His clothes start to take shape...Camo... His face comes into the light. He is a soldier.
I laugh at Him and say, "What the heck do you think you're trying to do here? Don't you see? I have never struggled for finding men to pay attention to me.I certainly don't want someone who is never around."
He says nothing to me. He walks over to the soldier. He positions himself so His face is right up to the soldier's face. He starts saying something but I can't hear. The soldier laughs, then He disappears into the shadows.
The soldier starts looking at me with the kindest face I've ever seen. The soldier starts beckoning me to come to him. Something about him is so familiar to me, but I don't know what it is. I begin to feel very uncomfortable. I look around at all of the men and laugh nervously. The soldier keeps calling me...more and more passionately. I start to turn away, because it's beginning to make me feel afraid. I run over to Sam and hide my face in his chest. Sam comforts me because that's just the sort of guy he is. While I am hiding in Sam, the whole time we both keep hearing that soldier saying my name over and over again.
I can feel the eyes of each of those men on me. I start to feel embarrassed. Each of them have seen so much in me. Each of them know too much about me. How can I possibly go over to the soldier like this? I am filthy, my heart is gone. I am stained with the blood, flesh and scent of those men that I gave the pieces of my heart to, Chris. Cardamon. Sam. All the rest.
I push away from Sam. The comfort I found in him for a while is gone. He begins to be a stronger symbol of what I hate in myself. I have nothing to give to this soldier.
The soldier keeps calling me, gesturing for me to come there. I decide that maybe I can deceive him. Maybe I can scrub all of the filth off. Maybe I can go to each of those men and take my heart's pieces back. I start chasing them, demanding my heart back. Every time I try to take my heart back from them, it attaches more strongly to them. The soldier keeps calling me...but he can't possibly understand! He can't possibly know there isn't anything left for him! He wouldn't want me if he knew!
I start to cry. First one tear, then another, then another. Before I know it I am wailing. It's the sort of cry that pierces into the depths of the darkness and penetrates the soul. It's the hardest I have ever cried in my life. I fall to the floor...broken...shattered...drained. He shows up and comes over to me.
I start to cry to Him. Why did you bring that soldier here? Why do you play with my heart? I have nothing left to give the soldier! I have nothing left! Leave me alone here!
He comes over to me and picks me up from the ground. He takes His clothes and begins to wipe my skin. The filth that was on me starts to transfer off of me, on to Him. I am now clean, and He is dirty. I feel shamed. I feel sad. I still have no heart to give to that soldier. But how can I ask Him to give me a heart when He already voluntarily put on my filth? It seems that He senses this thought in my head. He reaches into Himself, and hands me a piece of His heart. As He holds it up, all of the pieces of my heart that were attached to the men, are ripped from them, and are formed around His heart. My heart molds and shapes into a new heart, and He puts it into my chest.
I am silent. I don't know how to explain. I can hear the soldier calling me, but I don't want to move. Tears pour out of my eyes...and I say, "Thank You." He smiles and gestures me towards the soldier. I say, "I don't want to leave You!" He finally speaks and says, "Baby girl...I am in you now. Love the soldier with My heart, not your own, and I will be with you always."
He walks with me toward the soldier. I am petrified. I have no idea what it means to love with His heart. He takes my hand, and joins it to the soldiers. He says, "What I have joined together, let no man tear apart." With those words, all of the men in the room disappear. The room morphs and changes into a romantic setting. I am now dressed in the most beautiful ball gown. A quintet of musicians are in the room playing "Come Rain or Come Shine". There are rose petals everywhere. I ask the soldier what He had said to him. The soldier replied, "He said, 'She's a firecracker, but she's just what you need. You asked me to give you a woman with My heart. Here she is. Take care of her. She puts up a brave front, but she's fragile. Keep your eyes on Me, and I'll show you how to lead her. I'll teach you how to challenge her. I'll teach you how to hold her. I'll teach you how to fight her. I'll teach you how to love her. I promise you there will be difficult days. But at least she is funny, and will always keep you laughing."
Then the soldier said, "You are exactly what I prayed for and everything I hoped for. I will love you all of my days."
I knew that He had rescued me from the arms of those men. I knew He had brought me to such an amazing gift. I was so thankful, that we walked out of that room arm in arm...the soldier on one side, Jesus in the middle, and me on the other.
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Thank You for cleaning me and making me white as snow.
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