Tick tock

I find it strange that so many human beings want someone to notice them, but yet go to great lengths to blend in. We want to be someone's familiar. We want to be studied.

I want my husband to have me so permanently memorized that my very smell can conjure up emotions. I want him to be able to describe to you in perfect detail, the way I pour my cereal, prepare it, and eat it. I want to know with complete certainty that he and I are that meshed together.

So then why do we play games? Why are we so manipulative and foggy in our actions? Why is it that when our heart's mates ask us questions like "What's wrong?" we immediately launch in to this dance of "Nothing..." (heavy sigh)...etc etc etc. Why do we pretend like we don't want people to know our suffering, when in truth and reality it is exactly what we want people to know.

Why do I sit here in this house feeling so many different feelings and emotions that I do not know how to describe? Why do I feel so lost in a thousand different conflicting feelings?

I miss him. I miss the magical moments that seem to occur over and over again when he's around. I miss the running into each others arms and sitting entangled on the sofa talking for hours at night. I miss laughing together and talking and being silly. I miss playing. I miss dancing. I miss fellowshipping. He is my best friend and when he's not around...

I feel so angry about his job. I am so tired of it taking him away all of the time. Bitterness is working so hard at taking up residence in my heart...Truthfully I grow weary of constantly battling it away.

The tick tocking of the fifth deployment is constantly going off in my head. So strongly that every moment, heart beat, experience is already feeling like a countdown to goodbyes. How many more birthdays before he leaves again? We'd better make Christmas count this year because next year...I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate it when I do that. I hate feeling all of these negative feelings.

The other half of this equation is joy, thankfulness, peace and trust. I know his going aways are good. I know they have a purpose. They are honorable. I am honored that I get to be a part of this beautiful gift we collectively give to God and country.

My confidence and joy comes from God. I know that. Truly I do. I have barely seen him...that soldier of mine. He works so late and comes home exhausted and goes to bed.

Here I am sitting on one of the days he was supposed to be home "early". It's almost eight and he isn't home yet. I wish I could describe how deeply I want to be tangled up on the sofa talking to him. This, however, is not to be in this moment. He's busy. He's off playing war so that he'll be ready in a few months when he goes back to real war. Oh how I want him to play well. Be prepared. Tick tock. Tick. Tock.