Ryan Aaron...

Whose eyes would you have had? Mine or your daddy's? What would your smile have been? What would your laugh have sounded like? Were you shy, or outgoing? Were you bold or easily frightened? Did you look like me? Or daddy?'

The two weeks we had you with us were beautiful. The gift you gave me in those days was beyond measure. Beyond what I could have hoped for or imagined...you were more than I believed I wanted, or could have had. We were filled with fear, then peace, then excitement. You had a name. It seems to be a tradition with us...almost immediately we pick names. Perhaps that's foolish...I don't know.

I wanted to hold you. I wanted to nurse you. I wanted to hear you cry. And when my broken, foolish, unwilling body failed you...

I am so sorry. 

I believe that Sunday morning, you went to heaven. You left me, your daddy, and your brother and sisters and went to be with Jesus. This world wasn't big enough to hold you. You came for such a brief second, for only a moment of a heartbeat, and then you were gone. 

I stood in that worship service...unable to sing. All I did was cry. Not for you... You are in a much more beautiful place then I could ever have given you. I cried for me. I cried for what I imagined myself being able to give you. I cried for the hurt in not having all of the beautiful moments I could have had. 

I must admit it was so strange to have affected me so greatly. I am such an unemotional being. At least, not so much in the outward fragile sense... When we discovered that morning that you had left us... I put on a smile, told your daddy, and attempted to go about my day. The physical pain was unbearable. I've never experienced pain like that. Perhaps my body agreed with my heart and ached over our goodbye. Your daddy asked me if I wanted to go to church, I told him it was where I knew I needed to be... I needed those moments of tears in the darkness. I needed to hear the songs, and be abandoned from reality...pour out my soul at His feet. Yes, I could've done this anywhere... I find immense comfort in singing to your Creator when I am heartbroken.

It was in the car on the way there, that I couldn't stop. We started the engine and one of your siblings laughed...and I just couldn't help it. Tears started falling. I ached for you. I wanted you back. 

For I know the plans I have for you...

I look forward to the day when I meet your smiling face. When I hear your laugh. When I see our Creator in your eyes. I long for the day when my arms get to hold you.

Thank you for being with us. I am so sorry that I did not get to hold you for longer...