A couple of weeks ago, on a weird whim, I thought it would be good to get my children's eyes checked. I have no idea what made me do it except that God put it on my heart and it all panned out.
At this appointment, I wasn't surprised when my autistic flower (Triplet A) didn't read the shapes on the wall. She kept calling out any word that would pop into her head. What is this one? (It was a hand) "Car!" she would say with enthusiasm. Nope....not a car... This happened with every single shape, no matter how big or small they were. I will admit to you, that I felt a bit frustrated. I told the tech that she was autistic and that was probably impacting things.
The doc came in and did all sorts of funny tests I had never seen before. He put 3D glasses on each of the kids and had them look at a picture of a giant fly. He then instructed them to pinch the wings...Triplet's B and C did this pretty well. Triplet A....failed miserably. She didn't even pinch, she just tapped the picture. Doc said, this is a sign that her eyes are bad, but it's hard to be sure since she's autistic. Then he had them look at a series of pictures and to pick out the picture jumping up at them (with the 3D glasses on). Triplet's A and B, could not successfully do this. Triplet C...got it down perfectly (on a side note, she was also the only one who named all of the pictures and did everything perfectly...). Off to eyes dilation they went.
When their eyes were finally dilated, each of them hopped up in the big chair while the doc examined their eyes. The Doc was completely amazing with each of my children. He genuinely made each of them feel safe and comfortable and there was not a SINGLE tear in the entire three hour long appointment. I was amazed. I think I might send him a card asking him to come and babysit my children...seriously, he was THAT good! :)
Okay, back to my story... Triplet C had perfect eyes. Doc said he couldn't even see the slightest hint that she was premature (he explained that almost all premature babies have vision damage...even if it's slight and doesn't impact their ability to see. He said you can see in the shape of their retinas that they were premature). He was amazed, as was I, since she was my tiniest baby. Triplet B (my boy) had some vision damage. Nothing too serious, but he would need glasses, which explained why he had a bit of trouble with the 3D imaging.
The time came for Triplet A to hop up there. Immediately he started pulling all of the lenses out to look at her eyes. He seriously was looking at her eyeballs for about forty five minutes. He then asked if I would mind if he took her out to test her eyes with a special machine (I am amazed at the advancements in technology that exist!). I didn't mind at all. A few minutes later he brought her back and announced the verdict: "She can barely see." She is almost to the point of being legally blind. Her up close vision is nearly perfect, however from about a foot out from her eyes, everything gets blurry. I started to cry. All of these thoughts starting pouring in to my mind...With all of the things that this child has had done to her (examinations, CT scans, MRI's, child development tests, specialist visits, etc etc etc) NO ONE had suggested to me EVER to check her eyes. I started to question, why didn't I see this? Why didn't I know? The Doc said she had probably never been able to see. The vision damage was so severe that he wanted to test her eyes on the machine to make sure his calculations were correct. He said in his entire career, he had not seen a three year old with such extreme vision loss. So I started to wonder...is she really autistic? Or is it just that this beautiful child has never been able to see? I asked him if this could be the case. He said that in all honesty he didn't know, but that he believed she has probably never been able to see. He said the biggest clue will be after she has had her glasses for a couple of months, to see if her behavior changes.
When we were in the office, the doc created a pair of "test" glasses (metal frames that have removable lenses) to see how she adjusted to them. I wish you could've been in the room with her. When he put them on her, an expression came over her face that I have never seen before. Her jaw dropped and she just stared. She didn't move, she made no sound. Her eyes were big and she just stared at the world in front of her. I started to cry again in watching my little girl see things that she had never been able to see before. The Doc said, "Watch mom. She's going to get these shapes now that she can see!" He started the picture test again, and I kid you not....she named EVERY. SINGLE. PICTURE perfectly! Picture of a hand, nailed it! Picture of a car, nailed it! Cake, got it! Every single one! Doc said, "See!? She just couldn't see!"
When we went to the glasses place to fill her prescription, even they commented on how bad her eyes were. The woman helping me was like, are they certain this prescription is correct? And then she double checked Triplet A's eyes with the machine there! But it turns out...yes her eyes are THAT bad.
When we got home that afternoon, I spent a few moments talking to her about her eyes. I said, "Did you know you couldn't see?" She said, "No." Then I said, "I'm sorry I didn't know you needed help." She said, "Mommy...my eyes are not working. They are broken." Through tear filled eyes I said, "Yup. They're not working right, but you're going to get glasses to help them work better! Are you excited!?" She shook her head yes and said, "I can't wait!" Beautiful moment!!!
I will also throw in here, I had an afternoon of tears and guilt. Her eyes are bad most likely because of her prematurity and how long she spent on a ventilator. For every day spent on a ventilator, the damage to the eyes, ears and brain gets more risky. The longer you're on it...the more the risk of permanent damage. Triplet A was vented for over three weeks. I have cried and felt so heartbroken but in that mixture of sadness, I was also excited. I couldn't wait to see how this would change her!
My son's glasses came in first. He wasn't very excited about wearing them, but after a few hours he adjusted and now doesn't seem to mind it.
I was a bit nervous about Triplet A and glasses. She is for certain sensory deficient and I had a lot of nerves about whether or not she would hurt herself with these lenses on her face. I had these images of her poking her eyeballs or breaking the lenses or all sorts of different things. My mom told me not to worry. My husband told me not to worry (they both wear glasses....I do not). They both said that she'll probably love having them.
After what felt like ten thousand days, her glasses finally came in. She was excited to go with daddy to the store to pick them up. Within five minutes of having her new glasses on, she broke them. Thankfully we ordered two pairs (a nice set and a back up set) for each of them. Walmart offers a one year free warranty on all of their glasses, so my husband just dropped them back off to be repaired, put her back up pair on her and then home they came!
The child that walked into my house is a child I have never known. What used to be my reserved, quiet, shy, barely audible, always alone child is gone. I have not seen that child in the past week (she's had her glasses a week today). Into my home walked a outgoing, curious, playful, hilarious, leading, boisterous child. This child who rarely smiled, rarely talked now sparks up conversations all the time. It's almost like this world around her was revealed to her and now she just wants to talk about it all the time! In the car her eyes are wide open and focused on the outside world. Whereas before she had her finger in her mouth and would be silent, now she's pointing things out and staring in awe. She has fallen in love with books! She reads them all the time and begs to be read to. She is hilarious too! I never in my wildest dreams knew that this child was funny. This girl is cracking jokes and doing hilarious things all day long. She used to be afraid all the time...not anymore! She runs around all the time (never used to do that). She laughs! She laughs all the time. And her laughter melts my heart every single time I hear it because it is so new! She's talking about her best friend (Triplet C is her best friend and they "share everything"), and wanting to do things...ASKING to do things!
I am so emotional over this subject. I don't know if she is autistic or not. Truthfully, it hasn't been long enough to know for sure. If things continue in this direction...I would say that no she isn't, but truthfully, it doesn't matter. The moments I have had with her this past week I wouldn't give up for anything. God has given me a miracle. He has given me so many beautiful gifts that I am thankful for. But to see my child come alive after three and a half years....there are no words that I could adequately write for you to understand. My heart is so emotional. My thankfulness is beyond my ability to define.
Oh how my heart sings. Thank You God for this gift. Even if these moments fade away and she fades back into the darkness, I am still thankful. Thank You for giving me these days that I will never forget. Thank You for helping her to see. Thank You for showing her foolish mother that she needed help, when she was unable to ask for it herself. Thank You for knowing what we all need, even when we don't know it. Thank You for giving us the desires of our hearts, even when we have a faith so small that we don't know how to ask for them. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
Mark 8.25 "Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly."
My beautiful baby can see. She can see!
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