Remember

Open your eyes. Open your eyes and absorb all of it as it is passing through you, by you, around you. Remember it. Remember it with all that you have. Remember the tiny details. The ticking of the clock. The position of the sun in the sky. The temperature. Were you cold? Were you hot? Were you nothing at all? Remember the beeping of the machines. Remember the tears...Oh forget it. I know you will never forget the tears. Yours, his, theirs... Remember the tiny diapers. Remember the blood pressure cuff that was the size of a bandaid. Remember the bottles which were measured in millileters, instead of ounces. Remember the nurses...they were your lifeline. Somehow they seemed to love them almost as much as you did. Remember the IV's. Remember the heart monitors. Remember the "baby" sunglasses for when they were under the billirubin lights. Remember the clothes. Remember thinking that those clothes looked like they were for a Barbie Doll. Remember the hours you spent pumping breast milk....for the feeding tubes... Remember not being allowed to touch...Remember watching them through the incubator...unable to touch, unable to hold...just staring...Remember the first moment you saw them. Remember what you were wearing, what you were thinking, what you were crying. Remember the feeling of your entire soul screaming at the top of its lungs...Remember the agony. Remember believing you had killed them. Remember your weakness. Remember your vulnerability. Remember your fight. Remember being discharged from the hospital, getting in the car, and driving "home"...without. them. Remember the hysteria that dwelled in you every minute you were apart. Remember the exhaustion. Remember the sympathy...people are so sympathetic with tragedies...Remember. Remember.

Remember the first time you touched them. Remember the first moment you held them. Remember the apnea's and bradycardia's. Remember the bottle feedings. Remember the breast feedings. Remember the dark intestine on the X Rays. Remember them stopping all feedings. Remember them intubating her. Remember them extubating her. Remember them putting him in an "open air" crib. Remember the doctor, social worker, and nurses coming in to "talk to you". Remember screaming at God in the car on the way home. Remember begging Him, begging her, begging them to not let her die. Remember touching her for what could have been the last time. Remember that it was not the last time. Remember the first time you heard the word "mama". Remember the first laugh. Remember the first cry. Remember the first sickness. Remember him stopping breathing. Remember her turning blue. Remember begging God again. Remember everything working out fine.

Remember sitting in the hospital at their bedsides. Remember holding her all night long while she cried, "Mommy help me! Mommy help me!" Remember being helpless. Remember the bed time stories. Remember the kisses goodnight. Remember the arguments. Remember the battles. Remember the silliness. Remember them not going to bed. Remember them playing in the bath. Remember them playing in the toilet. Remember her falling asleep with the 85 lb chocolate lab "snuggling" her. Remember her, and her, and her, and you having the swine flu...trying to hold it all together. Remember him stopping breathing. Remember begging God...and him coming back to you. Remember. Remember.

You get through tragedies...one moment at a time. One second at a time. When in the midst of emotional agony...you have no idea how you will survive it, but you'll find that after many moments have gone by...you did. Only by the grace of God. You will get through this. And you'll look back three years from now, and wonder how the heck it all happened, and how you didn't end up insane.