Okay, before you get up and throw me out of your life forever, declare me a lunatic, and maybe punch me in the face...let me explain. Iraq has taken my husband away from me four times. Some of those times we weren't married, but you get what I mean. I have spent thousands of nights wondering, worrying, and waiting for that country to either take my husband's life, or to give him back to me. This is something that I have come to realize only recently...Iraq is beautiful. It isn't beautiful for its terrain or anything specific to itself...it is beautiful because it is where many people I have loved and cared for... lived. They LIVED there! My husband's DNA was coughed into its air, his DNA fell off his arms and joined its sand, his sweat dripped off, his body... He lived there. Has Iraq ever been his home? No. But people that we have loved dearly, and still do, died there. How can I hate the place where my dear friend's husband went to heaven from? How can I resent a country where he took his last breath?
Places are not evil or good. They just are.
Iraq has also given me wonderful gifts. Many of you know that my husband came home from Iraq a long time ago...severely different. A part of him died in Iraq, when his friend died there. When he came home, he was horrible to be around. It was one of the most painful times in my life, and it has been one of the most horrible times in our marriage. It was exceptionally painful, damaging and traumatic... But this is what makes me love Iraq...through that hardship, through the horribleness that happened in my marriage as a result of my husband being there...the best relationship I have ever had, has emerged. I learned more, through that experience, about God, my husband, and myself than I ever thought possible. I have lived a true miracle. A complete and utter miracle. My husband has been cured from his PTSD and is now no longer on any medications, and WITHOUT any help from the Army. God literally spared him, and me, from that illness having hold any longer. Maybe one of these days I'll look back in to that time and write about what we actually went through. I honestly am not shy or unwilling to talk about it. Quite the contrary, both my husband and I tell people about it all the time. Not in any sort of bragging or "look at us" kind of way, but simply to show people that YOU CAN get through anything! You can survive! You can still love! You can still trust! And this CAN get better.
Okay, I think I got off topic somewhere, and I know I'm terrible about that. Don't judge me...yes...that is one of my token phrases on here! haha. Oh well. You're reading this so there must be something about it that you're enjoying. Back to why I love Iraq:
In addition to the PTSD experience that changed me, and showed me so many things...Iraq gave me the past year. My husband was deployed, yet again, to that beautiful country. This time things were remarkably different in our situations: we could talk on a webcam, and we had four chidlren. It was wonderful to see him. Sure it was hard to not be able to touch and hold and kiss...but it was SO wonderful to go through a deployment being able to look in his eyes, and cry together and have it be more than a sound. It was beautiful to have him just look at me, and know what I was thinking and feeling, without me having to explain it through a broken and damaged telephone signal.
In the past year, I learned even more about my capabilities than I learned with my husband's PTSD. I learned, that I CAN take care of four very young, and three very fragile, children all by myself. In the past year, my son coded (that's right I said coded... as in...stopped breathing) once, was hospitalized three times for breathing problems, and a intestinal disorder. My daughters were both hospitalized twice (once together and one time each, separately). This is also not including the NUMEROUS emergency room visits with all three of them. My oldest triplet was diagnosed with Autism and possible epilepsy in the past year. Through hard work, and much prayer, she finally learned to speak. My oldest child started pre school, and I home schooled her all by myself. We went through at least four throwing up illnesses that cycled through the entire family. We had swine flu (yes...ALL of us), regular seasonal flu, stomach flus, food poisoning, sinus infections, countless pink eyes, and a gazillion colds. Our pediatrician knows me by VOICE, that's how often my children and I have been to his office. I swear he sees me, and he sees dollar signs in his eyes! :) In addition to these things, I had surgery to remove tissue in me that had failed, and recuperated from that (my mom and aunt were here to help me...complete and utter life savers) sans husband. I managed the sicknesses, the ten thousand doses of medicine (when divided amongst the kids), the vitamins, the physical therapy, the social therapy, the speech therapy, the pulmonological therapy (that's lung stuff) times two, the intestinal treatments, the laundry, cooking, cleaning, working out, mental stimulation, church activities, and TWO dogs. I did all of this...without my husband here. I never in ten thousand years, would have imagined I would be capable of surviving or handling any of this.
Please do not misunderstand...I am not holding myself up on a pedestal or saying "look at me, I'm great" in any way... I was only able to stand because of my Lord and Savior through all of these experiences, and the blessing of support that has been poured out on me through many wonderful, wonderful church friends. I am only saying, none of these experiences would have happened, if my husband had NOT been in Iraq. Through him being in that country, I learned that I am capable. I CAN do it, and I can have fun and laugh through the whole experience. I learned that I am not as weak as I used to believe that I was. I learned that God is faithful through ANY and ALL situations. I learned more about loving my husband, and honoring him, through this past year than I have learned in the last almost six years we've been married.
So I love Iraq. I love it for becoming a part of our story. I love it for allowing my husband to live there. I love it for the challenges that it has brought in to my life. I love it for NOT conquering my marriage and my sanity. I love it for being a tool from which I have learned so many things...
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