Change.

I am very unsure how to begin this post. I don't have a catchy phrase or one liner. I don't have an extravagant opening. I honestly feel almost like a sick and demented individual. I do not function well, when all is "well." It is a weakness that I have struggled with since the year of my fifteenth birthday. That year began a journey for myself and my family that lasted quite some time and before it was over...boasted the burning of my house, multiple car accidents (all of them terrible), the almost death of my little sister, and the complete and utter emotional demise of my family. I grieved for over a year, as a result of those days. They are forever engraved in my mind. They were excruciatingly painful, challenging and awful. Yet, I found more comfort during those days than I know how to explain.

I find that I seem to grow the most, endure the best, and function the most clearly, when all is terrible in my world.

I am a control freak. I make every effort to control everything about my existence that is humanly possible. I know this is foolish and completely stupid, because I honestly can not control ANYTHING in my world at all. It is all out of my hands and in the hands of my Maker. However, that never seems to stop my sick and depraved mind from trying...all the time...at all costs. In the midst of chaos and heartache, I am most honest to internally admit my weakness. It is easy for me to write to you that I am weak...that I am helpless...But do I really believe it? Yes, I believe it. But do I really EXPERIENCE it? No. I do not. I am not having forced in my face any inability to get through my moments, or my heartache. Life is good in my home. My husband is amazing and beautiful. My children are intelligent and growing. They all love God and are seeking to please Him and honor Him in their lives. Yet, I find myself looking around and going...I've got it ALL under control. It's foolishness and it's stupid.

I believe that one of the biggest lies the devil has tricked us with, is the belief that "good times" are actually good. How so? What joy is it for me to gain the whole world, and yet to forfeit my soul? Why is it so good for me to have a beautiful home, nice cars, manicured and cleaned children, all the things I could hope and ask for...yet to forfeit my soul? I am a sick person. Truthfully I am. When all is falling apart...then I see His beauty rising.

I have to be honest...I feel completely devastated. I find myself crying over so many things. I find myself frustrated by my circumstances. I drive by these men...filthy, dirty, unmanicured, no hair cut...unshaved...and I am repulsed by myself. Sure, the compassion wells in me for a few minutes, and maybe even some bible verses pop into my head "feed the hungry...feed the homeless...whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me." Then begins the internal struggle within myself...how do I know they're not buying drugs, or alcohol? How do I know he's not some liar, that really lives in a nice house with nice clothes, and this is what he does just to mess with the world? All of the excuses pour into my mind. Or maybe I'll get on my high horse and say to myself, "Yes. I will give them some money." Here! Let me throw you my loose change! It doesn't really cost me anything to help you. It doesn't really matter if I no longer have that fifty cents. Big deal. It cost me nothing. It's like throwing it at a dog and then walking away. Or maybe I'll hand out some loose breakfast bars I've got sitting in my car. Again...costs me nothing. Don't get involved. Don't ask questions, and most of all...don't touch them. WHY!? These are people! PEOPLE! They're not dead dogs, or human waste. They have feelings. They had hopes and dreams. Sure, maybe everything sucks now...but they are still of value. Why am I afraid to touch them? My God, what on earth would that feel like? To have people not want to touch me? To have no one to touch my hands or hug me, or hold me? What would it be like to be cold, and have nowhere to go? What would it be like to have to BEG to eat. And then have people in their nice cars judging me, and assuming I was on drugs? Or an addict? Or crazy?

I am sickened by myself. I am sickened that I honestly believe I am a person of value. I am sickened by what these people go through. I have no idea what the answers are. I can only imagine what it would be like for them to have shelter. To have a warm bed, and clean sheets, and a shower. To have a shower! Clean clothes! To be able to cut your nails, and wear clean socks. I know there are shelters and all that nonsense in this town. I know that there are ways to "send them off' to people who are there to "help" them. But why am I so resistant to be the actual person who does the helping? Why don't I think about this all the time...day and night...unceasingly? Why does this only haunt me when I drive by them begging on the street corners? Why am I not kept awake at night by their torment? Why am I not driven unendingly to make this change? I'm not talking about changing laws, or governmental regulation...I'm talking about PEOPLE. Why am I (this one person) not doing all that is in my power to help them?

This same notion applies with what is going on in Darfur. Do not be deceived, Americans...we are turning a blind eye to the sufferings in the world...in our country...in our streets...God, even in our homes. Half the time we are oblivious to the emotional agonies that our own dearly loved ones are enduring. How can I possibly look around this place and believe that all is well? All is NOT well! All is terribly, terribly wrong. We, as Christians, waste so much time arguing this policy and that policy. We waste time fighting against "gay" marriage, or whatever other token argument is going on in the political realm. I'm not saying I oppose a political voice. But I am saying this: why are we so completely NOT focused on the things that actually matter? Why are we completely distracted from loving others the way that God commands us to over and over and over again in His word?

I am sickened by myself. I am sickened by my sinfulness. By the ugliness that dwells in me. And this sense of pride, or like I'm better than anyone else. I am sickened by our government's position that we must FORCE people to help others, rather than people being so emotionally and psychologically driven to help. I am sickened that we are not solving the problems before us. I am sickened that I am one in the "group" of ignoring the sufferings of others. I am sickened that we are so focused on our own self pity, our own heartaches and frustrations (weight, cars, houses, credit cards, lovers, distance, etc etc etc). I can say, with almost a complete certainty, that people struggling with starvation could care less about their "weight", or their lovers, or their cars, or houses. They are simply working to survive.

I am hungry. I am hungry to change myself. I am hungry to leave this place where life is so focused on stuff and the acquiring of more stuff, or the self deprecation of how much stuff you have, or the arguing with people not to be "judged" about how much stuff you have...but the focus is the same. It's all about "stuff". Who the hell cares? Seriously. Who is going to go to your funeral and go, you know? She was really cool! She had a BMW. She lived in Bel Air. She was freaking awesome, she always had a Gucci purse. And she was NOT fat. I mean, for crying out loud, if that is what was said about me...I would be very likely driven to come back from the dead and punch everyone in the face.

I know this is a rant. I apologize to you, dear reader, for my tirade. I want to be different from who I am. I want to be so in love with God that I could care less about what I have, or don't have. I want none of it to matter to me at all. I want to be a "crazy" Christian. In fact, I don't even want to consider myself worthy enough to label myself "Christian". I'd rather be known as someone who loved Jesus. Not a "Christian". I want to be DEEPLY moved, to tears even, when I see someone starving, or homeless, or in need of a shower. I want to be moved so passionately that I ACT. That I reach out and hold their hand while they're standing on the street corner. I want to be driven to do that without reaching for the hand sanitizer after I've driven off. I want to stop being sickened with myself. I want true and lasting change in myself. Forever.