growing

Have you ever looked around and found yourself lost? Okay, no, this is not some pun on the series finale of Lost last night. I haven't seen it. We don't have cable. So please don't talk to me about it. Okay...back on target. I have found that the busier I get, the more people I'm surrounded by, the easier it is to get "lost". This happened to me recently. I was so busy, so immersed in people's live (which is good, not necessarily bad), so focused on being "distracted" that I realized I was exactly that! Distracted! My house wasn't being cared for appropriately. My children were being dragged to and fro my various activities. Life was busy, but not God honoring. I looked at myself and was like, "Who the heck are you?" To be honest, I didn't like what I saw. I have long striven to be a person not interested in, nor participating in, gossip. It's the dreaded "G" word that so many women struggle with. Well, I guess men do too, but I'm not a dude so I can't relate. :) I looked at myself and started paying attention to how I was speaking. I started having all sorts of opinions about things that had nothing to do with me. I started venting about other people who were upsetting me. I started being one of those busy body women that seems to have a lot of "friends" but isn't really doing what God wants her to do. Side note: this is not a judgment on anyone else. I know several women who are able to be actively involved in many aspects of people's lives and NOT be this way. They are amazing women and I am in complete awe of their self control and glory to God. I, however, am NOT (yet) one of these women.

Okay, back to topic. So I started praying. I started going...okay God...what do You want me to do? How should I handle this? How should I change? Truthfully, I just had to stop. I went to one of my advisors and asked her take. She told me I needed to step back and evaluate. What was I doing out of obligation? And what was I doing out of glory to God? And what was I doing to feel "busy"? And what was I doing out of love? Truthfully, there was a little bit of that in everything I was doing. It was partly out of love, obligation, Godness, and "busy-ness". So I just stopped. I stepped back and I examined. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I doing?

So much seemed to come to light in the process of that experience. You learn so much when you start to go through experiences. You learn a lot about who is a part of the "close" circle, and who isn't. It's sort of like Jesus and his apostles. I imagine that there were ENORMOUS amounts of people that called Jesus their friend. And I'm sure Jesus in His heart adored and loved each of those people back. But there were also a chosen few who were a part of His support "team". He had twelve people (and one that he knew would betray Him) that He told special things to. He leaned on them. He prayed with them. He fellowship with them in a unique way. He loved all, but had a select group. I started realizing how important that is in my own life. I have always lived my life like an open book. If someone asks, tell them. Lay it all out. Be clear. As time is going on, I am seeing how this can be quite foolish.

I am to love everyone. But I am not necessarily to share my life with everyone.

I am still not quite sure what this will actually look like in my life. I am learning so much about who I am and who God wants me to be. I want my life to be a reflection of Him. I want my thoughts, words and opinions to be a reflection of him. I want to be genuine, loving and different...I don't want to be a part of the "norm". Not the "normal" Christian world, nor the "normal" world in general. Ugh. Sometimes growth sucks. :)