the omenization of my current moments

I am not one that typically believes in omens. I often think they're just psychological manifestations of something that one fears. They are essentially projecting into life something that a person is seriously afraid of occurring. And of course, you know, that whenever someone starts something out with "I am not one that typically..." you know the however or the "but" is coming in here somewhere. I don't know if I should include it here. I don't know if I should say out loud the omens that keep pouring through me, and my husband, pretty consistently. It's almost like if I say it out loud, then that means I really believe it is possible. And to believe it is possible is too excruciatingly painful to even contemplate.

In a strange way, I appreciate the omens. It's not that I am a glutton for misery. I honestly hate it, even though my name actually implies a life of misery (GO MOM! lol). But the omens have opened me up for to converse about them. I feel like, when I pray, I have something true and genuine to say. It's not just some conversation to have in order just to have it. I also feel like my moments are so much more beautiful. I feel like I am driven to make something lasting. I am driven to create moments that are tattooed on my soul. I am in need of experiences I won't forget.

I feel like lately I have been crying so much. It is so weird because I honestly have such a positive outlook on life. I am not an angry, feel sorry for myself, oh woe is me kind of gal. I used to be. Seriously. You have NO idea. I used to be filled with anxiety like you wouldn't imagine. I used to live my moments seeking constant validation, praise and approval from everyone all around me. I was constantly worried, constantly failing, constantly desperate. You see, approval is like a drug. When you live your life for it...it inevitably sucks you dry. It eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness so that simple words like, "Maybe we should just be friends" are enough to destroy you. I spent years as a hollow sand pillar. I looked sturdy from a distance, but the closer you got, the clearer it was that I was just one windstorm away from falling apart. And it's funny because as I write that, I know that my husband (when he reads this) will say that it's just the opposite. He will say that I spent years believing I was the sand pillar when in reality I was a lead pipe. Stubborn, but bendable if you gave it enough heat and force, and always resilient...never breaking despite what the weather threw at it. Maybe the reality is that I am somewhere in between. I wear my reality on my sleeve. I am not afraid to be broken. I am not afraid to be whole. I am not afraid to be somewhere in between.

And somehow I got off track. I was talking about omens and all of a sudden I have launched into some psychoanalysis of myself. Oy vey. I am so easily distracted. Ha! My English teachers used to tell me that all the time. I'm just a rebel at heart. :) Hehehe.

I am working on processing so much. I am trying to decipher what it is that I fear and what it is that I really believe will happen. I am desperately afraid of crumbling. Or maybe I'm afraid of needing/wanting to crumble and being unable to for my children's sake. I am afraid of being alone. It's not that I can't function. I can. I have been alone for many many days. I know how to get done what needs to be done. I know how to complete tasks and functions. But you see...he is my sounding board. He is where I go to hear that I'm being ridiculous. He is who encourages me to apologize when I don't want to. He is who reminds me that I come across as overbearing and crazy and laughingly gets me to point it out and work on changing it. He is the physical manifestation of a million heavenly lessons. He is through whom God has brought me joy, comfort, laughter, and challenges beyond what I can describe. He has been the greatest lesson I have ever had. Can I be alone? Of course. But I just think about what all would be missing. The sheer agony of my daughters missing out on the most greatest human being I have ever known....My son not having this amazing role model to teach him what it is to be a man and a husband.

So many people have told me that they learned unconditional love when they had children. I suppose I am a blessed individual because I learned that before they were born. I learned it when my husband gave it to me. He loved me when I was angry, broken and unreachable. He loved me when I chose to love someone else. He loved me when I pushed him away. He loved me when I was hateful, controlling, untrusting, aggravating, a basket case, angry,etc etc. He loved me unconditionally. So I learned what it looked like. And by the grace of God, I have been able to give it back to him. When he was crazy, I learned what it was to love someone else unconditionally. I learned what it felt like to love someone who was incapable of loving you back. Someone who, at the time, actually hates you. And it was beautiful. It was a beautiful experience. Emotionally agonizing, but beautiful nonetheless.

So all of these unnecessary words simply to ask these questions: Do you believe in omens? How do you handle the negative ones? And would you want to know if something terrible was ahead of you? Would you change anything if you knew for certain before hand?

fun

I am SO excited today. I don't really have any specific reason to be excited but I am. This past week has been lengthy and tiring. My spirit has felt down trodden and grumpy and just plain blah. But today...today I woke up and I feel renewed. I feel so joyful! I don't even know why. It's not like anything particularly exciting has occurred. I just feel like dancing and running around. I feel like being silly and goofy. I feel like letting loose, stopping being so serious, dancing around my living room with my little girls, and rockin' out. I feel like focusing on the hilarious moments that occur all the time. I feel like telling jokes. I feel like being fun.

So I think I'll get off of here and go do that. :)

nutshells

I was sitting here staring at my computer and trying to figure out what to write in this blog. A LOT has been going on in my life the past few weeks, and it is difficult to sort of process it all and try to jot it down.

First things first, I am STILL daily doing my PRT. I have noticed that my results are still improving but my push ups are sort of plateau-ing. It's a bit frustrating but I will push through it. Oh, and guess what? Despite cutting my calories and working out more, I have GAINED weight! Say what!? Yup! That's right I have gained. But I've lost inches, so I am going in the category of muscle weighing more than flabby fatso. :) Or maybe that's just what I want to believe! HA! Don't judge me! :)

Second of all, my husband and I are in the beginning of the end of time together. Well, not forever (at least I hope not), but time together before he heads back over to the middle east. This will be trip numero cinco (number five for you non spanish speaking folks). I have had a whirlwind of emotions but I know that God is in control and He has a plan. But pray for us. I seriously appreciate ALL prayers!

Thirdly, this is the first time in a long time where Bible studies are going on and I am not leading one. Hello uncomfortable zone! Nice to meet you! I feel weird, because my heart wants me to be leading one. But yet the Man Upstairs made it very clear that this "semester" is a time of slowing down and that's what I'm doing.

That's all for now. Wow, I really did nutshell that stuff down! Ha! Hope you all are doing well.

Tonight

Tonight he isn't a statistic. He isn't a single digit in the midst of a million digits. He isn't a soldier. He isn't a political point. He isn't for anyone career ambitions or gain. Tonight this isn't easy. Tonight I don't have the smile and the "go get 'em" attitude. Tonight I don't feel happy and elated.

Tonight I am overwhelmed. Tonight. I. Hurt. I hurt so deeply and sincerely. I hurt in words I don't know how to convey or explain. I hurt for my husband. I hurt for my children. I hurt for myself. I hurt for my empty arms, and my waterfalls of tears. I hurt for our half empty bed, and our lonely children, because no matter how hard I try, I just don't play like daddy does.

I hurt for our movie nights, that will no longer be "ours" but will become "mine". I hurt for the many moments throughout my day that I will try so hard to remember to tell him "whenever" he calls, but will likely forget. I hurt for the smiles, baths, developmental steps, tears, giggles, birthdays, celebrations that he won't be a part of. Gone, but never forgotten. I hurt for the stupid freaking trashcans that every single time they fill up I will be reminded of the agony of dropping him off at the company and getting in my car and driving away. I hurt for his sink that will be bone dry because I won't use it. I hurt for his dirty clothes that I know I won't be washing, drying, folding and putting away. I hurt for his pillowcase that will eventually stop smelling like him. I hurt for the empty slot in the toothbrush holder. I hurt for the vacant bed side table. I hurt for his shoes, his socks, his army crap, his wallet, his keys, that will no longer be strewn about my house.

I hurt for his Bible, which won't be read by him, in his voice, to our children every night.

I hurt for our children. Who are older now, and ask a million questions. I hurt for my oldest who screamed "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" as she bawled her eyes out when we dropped her dad off the last time. Up until that point, I had never seen her so upset in my life. And I have never seen her upset like that since then.

Five times. Five times he will have been there. I keep wondering when the pace will slow, and when all of this will end. I know we volunteered for this. I know that we have given this to our country. I am happy to do it. I am thankful to give it. I know that my God and my King is so much bigger than anything I could hope for or imagine, and that He will beautifully and lovingly carry me through every single second that we are apart. I don't doubt it for a second.

But tonight it hurts. It hurts more than I know how to say. It hurts so much as I sit here with the training calendar in front of me. I am completely overwhelmed. Right now, in front of me, the totality of the large amounts of months, days, hours, minutes is a lot to hold. In a few moments this will all be over. I will be back to the day to day experience of this beautiful life.

But tonight it hurts. Right now, it hurts.

PRT. Still doing it. :)

I have been faithful doing my PRT every single day since I can't remember when. It feels like it's been five million years, but I am quite certain that can't be right! :) I will say, though, that I am having some pretty neat results. In one week I lost one inch off of my waist, and a half an inch off of both arms. I also lost a half an inch off my neck. Yup. My neck folks. Try this one on for a kicker, "Your neck is fat!" haha! But at least it seems to be getting smaller.

When I first started this process, I could barely do one push up, I am now at twenty. I can maintain two hundred sit ups (yes, I said 2 hundred....it was not a typo!). My body is slowly cooperating more and more with the jumping activities and the lunges and whatnots. I have discovered, however, that my wrists are not digging the push ups so much. I'm wondering if I will have to start wearing a brace or something. We will see. For now, I have started spacing my arms further apart for push ups, and that is really helping with the wrist pain.

So this is basically it! I have successfully made it through one fancy shmancy holiday without quitting. I have no idea how long the results will continue, before they plateau (I hear this happens eventually), but for now it's going great!

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and HAVE a happy new year! :)

update on PRT, etc etc etc

Okay. So I have to be honest...PRT took a back seat the week of Thanksgiving. Some of it was the fact that it literally took SIX days for the extreme soreness that my body was experiencing, to go away. But the majority of it was that I was insanely busy.

Now that I have made my confession, three days ago, I began the routine again. However, I have reduced the number of exercises, and tweaked it a bit to work on my target areas. Perhaps as I get stronger, I will increase and go back to the Army's version of insanity, but that remains to be seen. I will never forget the pain that PRT gave me. Probably as long as I live.

My routine is this. Every morning, I begin my day with my time with Jesus. Following that, before awakening my chicken nuggets, I exercise. Some days it's been a power walk with the dogs, some days it's PRT activities. It has been going well. It is tiring, but enjoyable. I feel better about myself. Not that I'm noticing some drastic changes. I honestly will say, I am getting bigger. But I have been assured that this is completely normal. The muscles swell when you begin working them, and they should go back down after about a week. So we'll see in four more days. :)

This morning was a stretching/pilates morning with some push ups throw in. I have a couple of slipped discs in my back and I woke up with them agitated and hurting. I am guessing that I haven't been stretching enough after my other exercises, and the exercise "people" say that it's important to maintain flexibility. Plus, my husband probably wouldn't mind that too much.

Okay, completely off topic, but my FEMALE dog just came up to me, hiked her leg, and used my foot dangling off of the sofa to scratch the underside of her belly. She literally moved back and forth so it would scratch her. Weird, but pretty creative! :)

Okay, back to topic. The stretching was good, pilates was good. I have long been a pilates doer. It was introduced to me by one of my dance teachers in ninth grade. Keeps the skirt muscles looking pretty and shnazzy, and it really does help to keep my belly from looking pregnant (after giving birth to triplets and literally destroying my uterus and abdominal muscles).

Sorry this post is kind of boring. I have four kids running up to me repeatedly asking when they're going to eat lunch. I swear that they have convinced almost the entire world that their father and I never feed them. They are constantly starving! :)

Hope you're all having fun days this month. I am 100% looking forward to my husband's up coming block leave. It will be strange to see him for two whole weeks! :)

egh

I am having an emotional day. Seems like everything is either making me really angry or causing me to burst into tears. Truth be told, I have so much to do, and very little will to do anything at all. My laundry list of chores, errands, and activities seems to be growing by the minute. My house is suffering ridiculously from lack of a thorough cleaning.

My heart feels so heavy. I am burdened by a demand to trust. Truth be told, I feel like I have very little faith, if any at all. I feel like I'm in a blacked out room and I can hear torture happening. Like I am just waiting for my turn on the chopping block.

I may have reached my limit. I am quite unsure. This doesn't feel like Christmas and I don't feel cheery. I feel like crying most of the time. Why? Worry? Is this the only reason? Seems so stupid to write it out.