I am not one that typically believes in omens. I often think they're just psychological manifestations of something that one fears. They are essentially projecting into life something that a person is seriously afraid of occurring. And of course, you know, that whenever someone starts something out with "I am not one that typically..." you know the however or the "but" is coming in here somewhere. I don't know if I should include it here. I don't know if I should say out loud the omens that keep pouring through me, and my husband, pretty consistently. It's almost like if I say it out loud, then that means I really believe it is possible. And to believe it is possible is too excruciatingly painful to even contemplate.
In a strange way, I appreciate the omens. It's not that I am a glutton for misery. I honestly hate it, even though my name actually implies a life of misery (GO MOM! lol). But the omens have opened me up for to converse about them. I feel like, when I pray, I have something true and genuine to say. It's not just some conversation to have in order just to have it. I also feel like my moments are so much more beautiful. I feel like I am driven to make something lasting. I am driven to create moments that are tattooed on my soul. I am in need of experiences I won't forget.
I feel like lately I have been crying so much. It is so weird because I honestly have such a positive outlook on life. I am not an angry, feel sorry for myself, oh woe is me kind of gal. I used to be. Seriously. You have NO idea. I used to be filled with anxiety like you wouldn't imagine. I used to live my moments seeking constant validation, praise and approval from everyone all around me. I was constantly worried, constantly failing, constantly desperate. You see, approval is like a drug. When you live your life for it...it inevitably sucks you dry. It eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness so that simple words like, "Maybe we should just be friends" are enough to destroy you. I spent years as a hollow sand pillar. I looked sturdy from a distance, but the closer you got, the clearer it was that I was just one windstorm away from falling apart. And it's funny because as I write that, I know that my husband (when he reads this) will say that it's just the opposite. He will say that I spent years believing I was the sand pillar when in reality I was a lead pipe. Stubborn, but bendable if you gave it enough heat and force, and always resilient...never breaking despite what the weather threw at it. Maybe the reality is that I am somewhere in between. I wear my reality on my sleeve. I am not afraid to be broken. I am not afraid to be whole. I am not afraid to be somewhere in between.
And somehow I got off track. I was talking about omens and all of a sudden I have launched into some psychoanalysis of myself. Oy vey. I am so easily distracted. Ha! My English teachers used to tell me that all the time. I'm just a rebel at heart. :) Hehehe.
I am working on processing so much. I am trying to decipher what it is that I fear and what it is that I really believe will happen. I am desperately afraid of crumbling. Or maybe I'm afraid of needing/wanting to crumble and being unable to for my children's sake. I am afraid of being alone. It's not that I can't function. I can. I have been alone for many many days. I know how to get done what needs to be done. I know how to complete tasks and functions. But you see...he is my sounding board. He is where I go to hear that I'm being ridiculous. He is who encourages me to apologize when I don't want to. He is who reminds me that I come across as overbearing and crazy and laughingly gets me to point it out and work on changing it. He is the physical manifestation of a million heavenly lessons. He is through whom God has brought me joy, comfort, laughter, and challenges beyond what I can describe. He has been the greatest lesson I have ever had. Can I be alone? Of course. But I just think about what all would be missing. The sheer agony of my daughters missing out on the most greatest human being I have ever known....My son not having this amazing role model to teach him what it is to be a man and a husband.
So many people have told me that they learned unconditional love when they had children. I suppose I am a blessed individual because I learned that before they were born. I learned it when my husband gave it to me. He loved me when I was angry, broken and unreachable. He loved me when I chose to love someone else. He loved me when I pushed him away. He loved me when I was hateful, controlling, untrusting, aggravating, a basket case, angry,etc etc. He loved me unconditionally. So I learned what it looked like. And by the grace of God, I have been able to give it back to him. When he was crazy, I learned what it was to love someone else unconditionally. I learned what it felt like to love someone who was incapable of loving you back. Someone who, at the time, actually hates you. And it was beautiful. It was a beautiful experience. Emotionally agonizing, but beautiful nonetheless.
So all of these unnecessary words simply to ask these questions: Do you believe in omens? How do you handle the negative ones? And would you want to know if something terrible was ahead of you? Would you change anything if you knew for certain before hand?
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