Tonight

Tonight he isn't a statistic. He isn't a single digit in the midst of a million digits. He isn't a soldier. He isn't a political point. He isn't for anyone career ambitions or gain. Tonight this isn't easy. Tonight I don't have the smile and the "go get 'em" attitude. Tonight I don't feel happy and elated.

Tonight I am overwhelmed. Tonight. I. Hurt. I hurt so deeply and sincerely. I hurt in words I don't know how to convey or explain. I hurt for my husband. I hurt for my children. I hurt for myself. I hurt for my empty arms, and my waterfalls of tears. I hurt for our half empty bed, and our lonely children, because no matter how hard I try, I just don't play like daddy does.

I hurt for our movie nights, that will no longer be "ours" but will become "mine". I hurt for the many moments throughout my day that I will try so hard to remember to tell him "whenever" he calls, but will likely forget. I hurt for the smiles, baths, developmental steps, tears, giggles, birthdays, celebrations that he won't be a part of. Gone, but never forgotten. I hurt for the stupid freaking trashcans that every single time they fill up I will be reminded of the agony of dropping him off at the company and getting in my car and driving away. I hurt for his sink that will be bone dry because I won't use it. I hurt for his dirty clothes that I know I won't be washing, drying, folding and putting away. I hurt for his pillowcase that will eventually stop smelling like him. I hurt for the empty slot in the toothbrush holder. I hurt for the vacant bed side table. I hurt for his shoes, his socks, his army crap, his wallet, his keys, that will no longer be strewn about my house.

I hurt for his Bible, which won't be read by him, in his voice, to our children every night.

I hurt for our children. Who are older now, and ask a million questions. I hurt for my oldest who screamed "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" as she bawled her eyes out when we dropped her dad off the last time. Up until that point, I had never seen her so upset in my life. And I have never seen her upset like that since then.

Five times. Five times he will have been there. I keep wondering when the pace will slow, and when all of this will end. I know we volunteered for this. I know that we have given this to our country. I am happy to do it. I am thankful to give it. I know that my God and my King is so much bigger than anything I could hope for or imagine, and that He will beautifully and lovingly carry me through every single second that we are apart. I don't doubt it for a second.

But tonight it hurts. It hurts more than I know how to say. It hurts so much as I sit here with the training calendar in front of me. I am completely overwhelmed. Right now, in front of me, the totality of the large amounts of months, days, hours, minutes is a lot to hold. In a few moments this will all be over. I will be back to the day to day experience of this beautiful life.

But tonight it hurts. Right now, it hurts.