Tonight

Tonight he isn't a statistic. He isn't a single digit in the midst of a million digits. He isn't a soldier. He isn't a political point. He isn't for anyone career ambitions or gain. Tonight this isn't easy. Tonight I don't have the smile and the "go get 'em" attitude. Tonight I don't feel happy and elated.

Tonight I am overwhelmed. Tonight. I. Hurt. I hurt so deeply and sincerely. I hurt in words I don't know how to convey or explain. I hurt for my husband. I hurt for my children. I hurt for myself. I hurt for my empty arms, and my waterfalls of tears. I hurt for our half empty bed, and our lonely children, because no matter how hard I try, I just don't play like daddy does.

I hurt for our movie nights, that will no longer be "ours" but will become "mine". I hurt for the many moments throughout my day that I will try so hard to remember to tell him "whenever" he calls, but will likely forget. I hurt for the smiles, baths, developmental steps, tears, giggles, birthdays, celebrations that he won't be a part of. Gone, but never forgotten. I hurt for the stupid freaking trashcans that every single time they fill up I will be reminded of the agony of dropping him off at the company and getting in my car and driving away. I hurt for his sink that will be bone dry because I won't use it. I hurt for his dirty clothes that I know I won't be washing, drying, folding and putting away. I hurt for his pillowcase that will eventually stop smelling like him. I hurt for the empty slot in the toothbrush holder. I hurt for the vacant bed side table. I hurt for his shoes, his socks, his army crap, his wallet, his keys, that will no longer be strewn about my house.

I hurt for his Bible, which won't be read by him, in his voice, to our children every night.

I hurt for our children. Who are older now, and ask a million questions. I hurt for my oldest who screamed "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" as she bawled her eyes out when we dropped her dad off the last time. Up until that point, I had never seen her so upset in my life. And I have never seen her upset like that since then.

Five times. Five times he will have been there. I keep wondering when the pace will slow, and when all of this will end. I know we volunteered for this. I know that we have given this to our country. I am happy to do it. I am thankful to give it. I know that my God and my King is so much bigger than anything I could hope for or imagine, and that He will beautifully and lovingly carry me through every single second that we are apart. I don't doubt it for a second.

But tonight it hurts. It hurts more than I know how to say. It hurts so much as I sit here with the training calendar in front of me. I am completely overwhelmed. Right now, in front of me, the totality of the large amounts of months, days, hours, minutes is a lot to hold. In a few moments this will all be over. I will be back to the day to day experience of this beautiful life.

But tonight it hurts. Right now, it hurts.

PRT. Still doing it. :)

I have been faithful doing my PRT every single day since I can't remember when. It feels like it's been five million years, but I am quite certain that can't be right! :) I will say, though, that I am having some pretty neat results. In one week I lost one inch off of my waist, and a half an inch off of both arms. I also lost a half an inch off my neck. Yup. My neck folks. Try this one on for a kicker, "Your neck is fat!" haha! But at least it seems to be getting smaller.

When I first started this process, I could barely do one push up, I am now at twenty. I can maintain two hundred sit ups (yes, I said 2 hundred....it was not a typo!). My body is slowly cooperating more and more with the jumping activities and the lunges and whatnots. I have discovered, however, that my wrists are not digging the push ups so much. I'm wondering if I will have to start wearing a brace or something. We will see. For now, I have started spacing my arms further apart for push ups, and that is really helping with the wrist pain.

So this is basically it! I have successfully made it through one fancy shmancy holiday without quitting. I have no idea how long the results will continue, before they plateau (I hear this happens eventually), but for now it's going great!

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and HAVE a happy new year! :)

update on PRT, etc etc etc

Okay. So I have to be honest...PRT took a back seat the week of Thanksgiving. Some of it was the fact that it literally took SIX days for the extreme soreness that my body was experiencing, to go away. But the majority of it was that I was insanely busy.

Now that I have made my confession, three days ago, I began the routine again. However, I have reduced the number of exercises, and tweaked it a bit to work on my target areas. Perhaps as I get stronger, I will increase and go back to the Army's version of insanity, but that remains to be seen. I will never forget the pain that PRT gave me. Probably as long as I live.

My routine is this. Every morning, I begin my day with my time with Jesus. Following that, before awakening my chicken nuggets, I exercise. Some days it's been a power walk with the dogs, some days it's PRT activities. It has been going well. It is tiring, but enjoyable. I feel better about myself. Not that I'm noticing some drastic changes. I honestly will say, I am getting bigger. But I have been assured that this is completely normal. The muscles swell when you begin working them, and they should go back down after about a week. So we'll see in four more days. :)

This morning was a stretching/pilates morning with some push ups throw in. I have a couple of slipped discs in my back and I woke up with them agitated and hurting. I am guessing that I haven't been stretching enough after my other exercises, and the exercise "people" say that it's important to maintain flexibility. Plus, my husband probably wouldn't mind that too much.

Okay, completely off topic, but my FEMALE dog just came up to me, hiked her leg, and used my foot dangling off of the sofa to scratch the underside of her belly. She literally moved back and forth so it would scratch her. Weird, but pretty creative! :)

Okay, back to topic. The stretching was good, pilates was good. I have long been a pilates doer. It was introduced to me by one of my dance teachers in ninth grade. Keeps the skirt muscles looking pretty and shnazzy, and it really does help to keep my belly from looking pregnant (after giving birth to triplets and literally destroying my uterus and abdominal muscles).

Sorry this post is kind of boring. I have four kids running up to me repeatedly asking when they're going to eat lunch. I swear that they have convinced almost the entire world that their father and I never feed them. They are constantly starving! :)

Hope you're all having fun days this month. I am 100% looking forward to my husband's up coming block leave. It will be strange to see him for two whole weeks! :)

egh

I am having an emotional day. Seems like everything is either making me really angry or causing me to burst into tears. Truth be told, I have so much to do, and very little will to do anything at all. My laundry list of chores, errands, and activities seems to be growing by the minute. My house is suffering ridiculously from lack of a thorough cleaning.

My heart feels so heavy. I am burdened by a demand to trust. Truth be told, I feel like I have very little faith, if any at all. I feel like I'm in a blacked out room and I can hear torture happening. Like I am just waiting for my turn on the chopping block.

I may have reached my limit. I am quite unsure. This doesn't feel like Christmas and I don't feel cheery. I feel like crying most of the time. Why? Worry? Is this the only reason? Seems so stupid to write it out.

PRT

My husband is getting fit. Seriously! Yes, I know he's a soldier, but the Army has just adopted this new physical fitness routine called PRT (Physical  and Readiness Training) and it has yielded some beautiful results! He went from plumpy (I say this with a bit of mocking in my tone because his version of "plump" means that he looks "normal") to six pack and drop dead muscularly gorgeous.

After noticing this beautiful new physic that he has going on, I started noticing that I am not rocking such a beautiful physic. Okay, I'll admit. I am pleasantly plump, portly, chubby chubster, not what you would call "skinny", fat. That's me. And I ate my way into this position that I am in. Okay, so back to my point. After noticing that he was looking so darn sexy, I asked him if he would be willing to teach me PRT and then help me to do it every day. He said that he would, and my adventure is beginning.

I am giving PRT two weeks. I will do this every day with the exception of Sundays and Wednesdays. I have taken my starting measurements and I will see how the results go.

Tonight was my first night and let me tell you, it was a challenge! My husband started me out on the entry level stuff and I was struggling to breathe through it! But it was an awesome workout and I am excited to see how this changes my "portly" (look...I don't want to live in denial...lol) body.

Day one complete. Oy vey! Tomorrow I'm going to be achin'! :)

Baby fever

I've got baby fever.

Settle down and close your jaws. I DO NOT have baby fever in my own uterus, I have baby fever for other ladies' uteruses. :) My sister is pregnant and scores of my dear girl friends are all pregnant. I am elated! I can not wait to hug on, pray over, love on, give cuddles and kisses and holdings to babies that are so beautiful and precious. Not precious because they're ugly (you know what I'm talking about....ooooh! You're baby is SO.....precious....), but rather precious because they seriously are amazing. I feel almost like I'm counting down the clock on all of these deliveries!

I was just telling my sister tonight, it is my favorite thing to love on a baby and then hand them to mom and dad and head to bed. :D It's all the fun without the same commitment that the parents had. :)

It is completely beautiful to have a baby. I don't even know how to put into words the experience of carrying a child. Feeling the flutters, then the kicks, then getting to experience the entire invasion-of-the-body-snatchers movements. It is beautiful watching your body transition and change as your baby grows. It is beautiful to experience labor. The pain and the struggle with which life is born. It is beautiful to hold your child in your arms. It is beautiful to feel the emptiness that your soul immediately feels when your child has left your body. There are no words.

Of course there are a thousand comical aspects to having a baby. The whole pooping during labor, and throwing up/nausea, and on and on. Don't even get me started on what happens where the sun doesn't shine for the next few weeks. And um...breast feeding? Seriously. Hook your breasts up to what can only be labeled as the vacuum from down under and see how long you enjoy it! :) (And don't send me hate mail. I breastfed. In fact, I also breastfed my triplets too. Talk about a dairy farm. Been there! Done that! lol)

But the sweet joy...the most amazing experiences...they come in the hard to explain moments. They come at three o'clock in the morning when this beautiful person that you love so deeply, won't stop screaming bloody murder at you and you feel like you are about to lose your mind. They come when you are breastfeeding and your child falls asleep. They come when you just stop for half a second and realize what it is that you are experiencing...you are raising LIFE! I still remember the moments when I was all alone (my husband was deployed) with my new born daughter, in the middle of the night, rocking her in the rocking chair. I remember sitting there crying and thinking in my head, "How will I ever keep you safe? I don't want you to grow up." That precious creature is now almost six years old.

Oh how my arms ache. I ache to hold all the beautiful and wonderful creatures who are soon to be coming out of their mommy's bellies. I ache to hold my little niece/nephew.

I have a tradition when the babies are born. It started with my oldest and I have continued it on with every baby. I pray a blessing over them. It's one of my favorite things to do.

Okay, I know this one's a bit sappy. But seriously...who wouldn't be!? I have a friend in labor right now! :)

Thankful

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for the beautiful and wonderful aspects of my life. There are so many things that I have been blessed to experience, to suffer through, to share, to...have. I suppose when I reflect back on my life, I did not expect anything that I currently have in my life.

When I was fifteen, I had all sorts of grand notions about where I would be when I was approaching thirty. I envisioned myself to be a surgeon. I wanted the glamor and ego that came with being able to manipulate people's broken hearts. I wanted to be able to fix things. If it was broken, I wanted to be able to fix it. I also wanted people to look at me and go...that girl is smart. She's a surgeon. It's shameful to admit it, but I was that sort of egomaniac. I envisioned myself singing some place and having all these people love me. I didn't want children, because that wasn't part of my agenda...having to give to others. I wanted to work hard and have the world love me for it. Interspersed throughout those ridiculous visions of grandeur would come moments where I longed to feel loved. I would dream of having some hot shot spouse who adored me with all of his heart.

When I was sixteen, I went through an extremely difficult year. So many of the things that I had envisioned and hoped for disappeared. During one night of prayer and prostrating myself before Christ, I had a vision. It was clear as day. A fork in the road. Right. Or left. Which way? God's way? Or mine.

I wish I could tell you that the choice was easy for me. It wasn't. I cried and cried, knowing that all of the plans that I had made would fade away and submit to the plans that He had for me. After a long road, I chose His path. 

I also wish that I could tell you my life has been roses and flowers since making that choice. It most definitely has not. But I can tell you with complete certainty that my life has been abundantly filled to the brim with love. I am not a surgeon. I don't really sing anywhere (except in my seat during the worship services at church). I am not a star. I am not a hot shot. I am not married to some egomaniac hot shot military guy. I am not married to a man who compares self worth with ambition. I am not married to someone who is defined by his salary, job position, or what the world defines him to be.

I think that is honestly the greatest gift I have ever been given. In my husband I have been taught so many amazing lessons. To sit here and try to define them all is virtually impossible. You would literally be here reading for the next ten years, and quite frankly I'm not all that interested in writing it all out in this one session. :)

My point of this whole entry is that I thought I knew what I "needed". I thought I knew what was best for me and how everything should work out. I had drawn out in my mind my own count by numbers picture and all that was left was for life to connect the dots.

My picture now is absolutely nothing like what I envisioned. I am a stay at home mom to four kids. I don't have a "job", at least not one that I get paid for. I am not making some tremendous contribution to society. My ego has been deeply deflated. I am not a hot shot. I am not a surgeon. I don't save lives. Heck, I don't even think I can save my own. In the world's definition of capabilities, I have most certainly not lived up to mine. But yet my life is filled with laughter. My heart is consumed by joy. My arms are rarely empty. My hands have so many other hands to hold. I am loved. I am deeply and passionately loved by the man God gave to me. I get to travel and live in parts of the world I never would have imagined or dreamed of living in. I am challenged intellectually on a constant basis. Let me tell you, there are no greater intellectual challenges than the one's your children ask you at the most random of times. "Mommy? Why are leaves green and not pink?" I honestly believe I spend the majority of my day discovering. How neat is that? Instead of me being on some high horse look-at-how-great-I-am position, I get to discover LIFE through the eyes of my children. I get to explain to them the intricacies and beauties of living. I get to teach them about goodbyes and hellos and science and physics and love. 

I am blessed because I have the most wonderful of all men walking beside me. I wish I could make you understand just how wonderful he is. I made no settlement when I married him. There was no compromise. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I could give. Yet, it was entirely a fifty/fifty guess. His perfect union with me was out of my hands. When I was younger I thought I knew what I needed, so how could I have been certain that this man was the one I needed? I wasn't! And I ran as hard and as fast as I could away from him. Yet God in His goodness, and my husband in his patience, brought us back together. He deeply is the love of my life. In every single way. I don't even know how to put words to it.

So my point here is this: just because you maybe have plans on how everything is supposed to go...be thankful when it doesn't. I promise you, it almost always ends up WAY better than your creative mind ever could have envisioned.