Thankful

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for the beautiful and wonderful aspects of my life. There are so many things that I have been blessed to experience, to suffer through, to share, to...have. I suppose when I reflect back on my life, I did not expect anything that I currently have in my life.

When I was fifteen, I had all sorts of grand notions about where I would be when I was approaching thirty. I envisioned myself to be a surgeon. I wanted the glamor and ego that came with being able to manipulate people's broken hearts. I wanted to be able to fix things. If it was broken, I wanted to be able to fix it. I also wanted people to look at me and go...that girl is smart. She's a surgeon. It's shameful to admit it, but I was that sort of egomaniac. I envisioned myself singing some place and having all these people love me. I didn't want children, because that wasn't part of my agenda...having to give to others. I wanted to work hard and have the world love me for it. Interspersed throughout those ridiculous visions of grandeur would come moments where I longed to feel loved. I would dream of having some hot shot spouse who adored me with all of his heart.

When I was sixteen, I went through an extremely difficult year. So many of the things that I had envisioned and hoped for disappeared. During one night of prayer and prostrating myself before Christ, I had a vision. It was clear as day. A fork in the road. Right. Or left. Which way? God's way? Or mine.

I wish I could tell you that the choice was easy for me. It wasn't. I cried and cried, knowing that all of the plans that I had made would fade away and submit to the plans that He had for me. After a long road, I chose His path. 

I also wish that I could tell you my life has been roses and flowers since making that choice. It most definitely has not. But I can tell you with complete certainty that my life has been abundantly filled to the brim with love. I am not a surgeon. I don't really sing anywhere (except in my seat during the worship services at church). I am not a star. I am not a hot shot. I am not married to some egomaniac hot shot military guy. I am not married to a man who compares self worth with ambition. I am not married to someone who is defined by his salary, job position, or what the world defines him to be.

I think that is honestly the greatest gift I have ever been given. In my husband I have been taught so many amazing lessons. To sit here and try to define them all is virtually impossible. You would literally be here reading for the next ten years, and quite frankly I'm not all that interested in writing it all out in this one session. :)

My point of this whole entry is that I thought I knew what I "needed". I thought I knew what was best for me and how everything should work out. I had drawn out in my mind my own count by numbers picture and all that was left was for life to connect the dots.

My picture now is absolutely nothing like what I envisioned. I am a stay at home mom to four kids. I don't have a "job", at least not one that I get paid for. I am not making some tremendous contribution to society. My ego has been deeply deflated. I am not a hot shot. I am not a surgeon. I don't save lives. Heck, I don't even think I can save my own. In the world's definition of capabilities, I have most certainly not lived up to mine. But yet my life is filled with laughter. My heart is consumed by joy. My arms are rarely empty. My hands have so many other hands to hold. I am loved. I am deeply and passionately loved by the man God gave to me. I get to travel and live in parts of the world I never would have imagined or dreamed of living in. I am challenged intellectually on a constant basis. Let me tell you, there are no greater intellectual challenges than the one's your children ask you at the most random of times. "Mommy? Why are leaves green and not pink?" I honestly believe I spend the majority of my day discovering. How neat is that? Instead of me being on some high horse look-at-how-great-I-am position, I get to discover LIFE through the eyes of my children. I get to explain to them the intricacies and beauties of living. I get to teach them about goodbyes and hellos and science and physics and love. 

I am blessed because I have the most wonderful of all men walking beside me. I wish I could make you understand just how wonderful he is. I made no settlement when I married him. There was no compromise. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I could give. Yet, it was entirely a fifty/fifty guess. His perfect union with me was out of my hands. When I was younger I thought I knew what I needed, so how could I have been certain that this man was the one I needed? I wasn't! And I ran as hard and as fast as I could away from him. Yet God in His goodness, and my husband in his patience, brought us back together. He deeply is the love of my life. In every single way. I don't even know how to put words to it.

So my point here is this: just because you maybe have plans on how everything is supposed to go...be thankful when it doesn't. I promise you, it almost always ends up WAY better than your creative mind ever could have envisioned.