pain

Sometimes the pain is so intense that I'm doubled over, trying not to throw up, sobbing. I have a mass, of some sort, growing on one of my ovaries. It became infected. We are hoping it's a cyst that will dissolve.

I have finished my antibiotics. I will go back for a follow up visit in several weeks to be re-scanned (this will be looking to see if it's grown, shrunk, or disappeared - yay for disappearing acts!). Why am I telling you this? A lot of reasons.

The first is that to attempt to define this pain to you is impossible. It comes in unpredictable waves, but always with the same level of intensity. It begins in my back, and then shoots throw my pelvis making labor seem like a walk in the park. Nothing helps (well, by "nothing" I mean ibuprofin doesn't help, because I don't take heavy duty painkillers as a general policy in regards to myself).

America, I am filled with blessings. Please don't read this as a complaint letter. It's not. I have health insurance. I have an amazing team of medical providers, who tell me when to be concerned and when not to be. I have a husband who rubs my shoulders and sits with me while I cry and breathe and wait it out. I have children who do their best to help out, and who have compassion and mercy in having to miss out on events we were planning to go to because one of those waves came crashing down on me. I am disgustingly fortunate. I do not take this for granted for one moment.

The second is because it has reminded me how often we carry burdens that we don't share. Very few people know what is going on here. Not because it's a secret, it's just not something that generally comes up in conversation. Hey guys! How are ya? I have an infected mess of something on my ovary! It hurts like a son of a motherless goat! How about them apples!?!! 

How many times have we come in to contact with someone particularly feisty or snippy, and assumed they were just a jerk? How many times have we made assessments and judgments about the people we encounter, when we don't have all the details? Why is it so difficult to assume the best in people? Why is it so easy to believe the worst?

Thirdly, prayer is powerful. I am terrified of cancer. I had court side tickets to my Mom's cancer. It wasn't glamorous or beautiful. It was fierce and awful. The devil knows this fear in me. He prods it and stokes those coals in my heart, trying to ignite a fire. If I'm paralyzed by fear, then I have forsaken Love.

This morning a wave came. I say "wave" because it really comes like that. It is sudden and uncontrollable. There will be no pain and then all of a sudden I feel like I can't catch my breath. Even if I'm sobbing, I still know how fortunate I am.