November

 America,

It's the day after Halloween. Welcome to November. I hope it brings you a heart full of gratitude and thanksgiving. 

I for one, am feeling pretty thankful today. One of my children has been navigating the effects of Covid for over six months. She has something called Covid induced Arthritis. Before Covid, she was driving herself full force towards being a prima ballerina. She had her eyes on New York and she was rapidly advancing in that direction. Her Covid illness was relatively mild. She had no energy, was very weak, but overall it wasn't as intense as it was for some of us. 

Her body did not rebound. Her joints would randomly swell to twice their size. She lost all endurance. She was in an enormous amount of physical pain every time she danced or exerted energy. Overnight, a virus took ballet away from her. 

Doctor's appointments, tests, and physical therapy ensued. The team was honest with her about what they knew: We've seen this in a few kids. We have very little data about the future. The only two patients we have treated have thus far and they have not recovered or made any progress. We drove onward with a positive outlook, and clarity about the type of personality that dances for five hours a day... she was going to work. That's what she thrives on.

Today she got the clearance to begin ballet again. Today we called her instructor and set up private lessons. One day a week, no more than 20 minutes, isn't much for someone who was previously so driven, but it's something! Seeing my daughter's face light up at the prospect of doing what she loves is priceless. 

We honestly believe that Covid showed her that He has better plans for her than what she imagined. We don't know if she'll ever get back to where she was before she got sick, but we do know that this week she gets to begin again. That's pretty darn exciting.

What's something that you're looking forward to beginning again this week?

Happy Monday!

pain

Sometimes the pain is so intense that I'm doubled over, trying not to throw up, sobbing. I have a mass, of some sort, growing on one of my ovaries. It became infected. We are hoping it's a cyst that will dissolve.

I have finished my antibiotics. I will go back for a follow up visit in several weeks to be re-scanned (this will be looking to see if it's grown, shrunk, or disappeared - yay for disappearing acts!). Why am I telling you this? A lot of reasons.

The first is that to attempt to define this pain to you is impossible. It comes in unpredictable waves, but always with the same level of intensity. It begins in my back, and then shoots throw my pelvis making labor seem like a walk in the park. Nothing helps (well, by "nothing" I mean ibuprofin doesn't help, because I don't take heavy duty painkillers as a general policy in regards to myself).

America, I am filled with blessings. Please don't read this as a complaint letter. It's not. I have health insurance. I have an amazing team of medical providers, who tell me when to be concerned and when not to be. I have a husband who rubs my shoulders and sits with me while I cry and breathe and wait it out. I have children who do their best to help out, and who have compassion and mercy in having to miss out on events we were planning to go to because one of those waves came crashing down on me. I am disgustingly fortunate. I do not take this for granted for one moment.

The second is because it has reminded me how often we carry burdens that we don't share. Very few people know what is going on here. Not because it's a secret, it's just not something that generally comes up in conversation. Hey guys! How are ya? I have an infected mess of something on my ovary! It hurts like a son of a motherless goat! How about them apples!?!! 

How many times have we come in to contact with someone particularly feisty or snippy, and assumed they were just a jerk? How many times have we made assessments and judgments about the people we encounter, when we don't have all the details? Why is it so difficult to assume the best in people? Why is it so easy to believe the worst?

Thirdly, prayer is powerful. I am terrified of cancer. I had court side tickets to my Mom's cancer. It wasn't glamorous or beautiful. It was fierce and awful. The devil knows this fear in me. He prods it and stokes those coals in my heart, trying to ignite a fire. If I'm paralyzed by fear, then I have forsaken Love.

This morning a wave came. I say "wave" because it really comes like that. It is sudden and uncontrollable. There will be no pain and then all of a sudden I feel like I can't catch my breath. Even if I'm sobbing, I still know how fortunate I am.