Bruises

This week has been violent. The kind of violence where there's no clear definition of a perpetrator, just miles and miles of casualties strewn all around. I'm sitting here feeling oh so battered and bruised, still reeling from the week's worth of sucker punches.

My head is swollen and swore, and my heart aches. I've got a list of I-told-you-so's that I'm struggling to contain. I've got a plethora of warnings that went unheeded. But worst of all... are the blows that came unexpected.

I barely slept last night. Betrayal, devastation, dishonesty, laziness, incompetence, loneliness, hurts, weakness... Words blaring through my brain at a volume so much louder than peace. Why is Peace so often too quiet?

I wish I could define it all. I wish I could pour out my chest right here on the pages of this blog. I wish I could unleash and unload and give my soul some reprieve from this agony. But I have learned that silence is powerful, and there are wounds that cut across my flesh that are not mine, alone, to share.

So I cry.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am trying so hard to be selfless, but the wounds of the takers feel so overwhelming at times. And the wounds of my inability to heal the hurts of others frustrates me.

I feel heavy. Burdened. Drained.

I pried myself out of bed at three in the morning and I crawled into the embrace of the only Being that gets all of me. The only Being that sees as I see it, feels as I feel it, hurts as I hurt it, is angry as I'm angered by it. MY God. I pray, and I sing, and I cry.

I can feel it all falling away. It's like watching the desert sand and sun destroy. It's gradual, slow, seemingly unending. And then one day it just crashes under the weight of itself and all of the destruction that was so invisible explodes in your face. It's a mess. I'm a mess.

Anxiety is knocking on my back door and trying to worm itself in. I am tired God. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of this desert life. I want to move away. I want to learn whatever lesson You have for me here, so that I can be freed from this destructive environment. Please take the weight of this off of my shoulders.